September 19, 2017

Horoscopes for August 3-9, 2014

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CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16)
This month, try to avoid signing or agreeing to anything, and things will turn out all right, like those traffic tickets or divorce papers or prenuptial agreement.

AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11)
Love and kisses and romance and more love and more kisses and more romance and more and more and more love and kisses and romance. Too bad you’re alone.

PISCES (March 20 – April 18)
Some call you childlike, and on a month like this it’s hard to deny. It’s so hot you’ll dig a big hole in your yard, strap on the inflatable duck and slide on in. Ahhhhh!

ARIES (April 18 – May 13)
You will find the ideas laid out before you this month are ones you could really sink your teeth into. Just be careful, especially if you are dependent on dentures.

TAURUS (May 13 – June21)
You’ll be inundated with an influx of strong and active energy that will cause you to seek out fun in all its forms. Some that may be a little illegal. Work on an alibi.

GEMINI (June 21 – July 20)
A conservative streak in your personality comes to light this month. Luckily, it will happen while you’re donating to charity and not while you’re at the mall.

CANCER (July 20 – August 10)
Try your level best not to do anything rash this August. Try your best not to do anything that might give you a rash. Avoid anything rashish related altogether.

LEO (August 10 – September 16)
Focus on one single aspect of your life rather than the whole enchilada. Instead of your overall health, focus on your teeth. Instead of true love, focus on okay sex.

VIRGO (September 16 – October 30)
This could easily be your last days with a bad habit or an end to a toxic relationship. It’s a good time to take up a new bad habit or start a new toxic relationship.

LIBRA (October 30 – November 23)
You will be invited into the inner circle, either through a social or a work-related invitation. It could be a trick. Look around for the pentagram and chicken head.

SCORPIO (November 23 – November 29)
You will find it’s not always easy to communicate with your parents, uncles, aunts, grandparents, siblings, nephews, nieces, etc. August will be no different.

OPHIUCHUS (November 29 – December 17)
You will feel more attractive than usual. You won’t look more attractive, just feel more attractive. Looks aren’t everything. Lots of pretty people are miserable.

SAGITTARIUS (December 17 – January 20
People will talk out of the sides of their mouths this month and your communication skills will be tested. Fortunately, for you, you speak fluent jibberish.

Related posts:

Horoscopes for February 2-8, 2014
Horoscopes for October 27-November 2, 2013
Horoscopes for November 9-15, 2014
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