September 23, 2018

INSIDE THE NEWS by David Fidelman

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BISHOP TAKES CASTLE NEWS: Bishop Franz-Peter Tebartz-van Elst of Limburg in western Germany has stirred anger and calls for his resignation. It seems the clergyman built a $42 million palace to reside in, complete with a $20,000 bathroom. If ousted by the Catholic Church, Tebartz-van Elst revealed his future plans to relocate and run for Congress in the United States. It seems he has met the preliminary required qualifications.

TASTY AMPHIBIAN NEWS: Natural History Museum and University College, London, researchers expressed excitement over a dig where a new discovery suggests prehistoric Britons may have had a taste for toad. Many Britons today are skeptical of the find, because, according to them, “We’re British, we don’t eat frogs.” Now, Brits may continue to call the French, “frogs,” but the French, in turn, can now call the Brits, “toads.” Evidently, there is more to this archeological dig, by leaps and bounds, than just Stonehenge.

CHINESE ROACH COACH NEWS: The Los Angeles Times reports there are about 100 farms in China, raising more than 10 million cockroaches annually. Cosmetic companies reportedly use them for a “cellulose-like substance” on their wings, according to the Times. And in May, the U.N. encouraged more people to consume insects as an inexpensive source of protein and said insects could be a viable solution to world hunger. Cockroaches have also been throughout the ages in Chinese medicines. Detroit City is now considering exporting their surplus to China.

SERIOUSLY DRUNK DRIVING NEWS: A woman is charged with felony drunken driving after police in Billings, Montana, say she called 911 and said she was too drunk to get out of her vehicle. The woman was arrested after she called dispatchers and said she couldn’t get out of her vehicle. The dispatcher asked if she was having medical or mechanical issues. Her blood-alcohol level was 0.311 percent.  No word yet as to whether or not she was a politician.

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