October 18, 2017

SEX SCANDAL ROCKS THE AREA

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Pictured are the faces of dogs caught in sex scandals. Note that each one displayed the same expression when caught. While only a few admitted to paying for their extramarital encounter, they each paid for it in the end, one way or another. While the human dogs are often forgiven and permitted a second, and in some instances a third, chance, the dog dog is far too often successful in impregnating its mate first time out. Due to space limitations, very few political dogs’ pictures made the cover. Noticeably missing is John Edwards, Mark Sanford, Larry Craig, and the Governator, Arnold Schwarzenegger.

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by Blodwyn Smythe,
Salacious Sex Scandal Reporter

SEDONA: A horde of reporters gathered in the parking lot of the Grasshopper Grill in Cornville, AZ where Sir William Randolph, World Famous Publisher of the Sedona Excentric was to reveal the details behind one of the largest, most salacious sex scandals to rock the nation in decades.
“I have summoned you here to reveal the details behind one of the largest, most salacious sex scandals to rock the nation in decades,”Sir William began.

Sir William then repeated the tag lines to the anxious audience from some email advertisements his staff had brought to his attention.

“I couldn’t believe my eyes,” he declared. “Gone are the good old days of painstakingly seeking out a partner for your secret tryst. These people are actually running a house of ill-repute online, made up of married folks. Listen to their ad lines.’You’d be surprised by how many people in your area want to have an affair’ and ‘Feel under-appreciated? Like your significant other doesn’t find you sexy anymore and hasn’t touched you in ages?’ As well as, ‘This is the Spice of Life and best of all, no one will ever find out!’ and ‘The #1 rule if you’re having an affair is never to do it with a single woman. Instead, date a married woman who has just as much reason to keep your affair a secret as you do.’

“I couldn’t believe it. Amazing.”

“Are you saying there is an open website hooking married people up with potential sex partners,” asked a reporter from Sedona’s small, other paper.

“I am.” he replied. “I have seen these emails myself. I even went to the website, but I didn’t go as far as applying for membership.”

“Is this even legal,” asked a reporter from some local magazine.
Sir William grimaced, “Even if it is, it’s disgusting. People are just getting lazier and lazier.  Used to be one would take a walk in the park or stroll down to the local hostel watering hole or at least walk as far as your automobile and troll the seedier parts of town looking for a date for a few minutes. The trouble  with hooking up with married people online is you run the chance of developing a relationship and busting up one or even both marriages.”

“Have you found evidence of such a rendevous actually taking place in Sedona,” asked a woman appearing to be in her fifties, provocatively dressed in a tight “Cougar” t-shirt and satin black spandex pants with 4-inch stiletto heels.
Sir William stared for a moment. “I don’t believe we’ve met. What did you say your name was? This what I’m talking about, people. This woman came to this event knowing she stood a chance of finding a date for the evening.

“Now, that’s how it’s done. Go to a rally or protest. Attend a lecture. Go to a Chamber of Commerce mixer. Show up at a press conference. Hang out at the produce section of your local grocers. There’s no reason to rely on the internet to cheat on your spouse. Heck, most of you probably don’t know how to use a computer anyway.”

“I’m confused,” shouted some guy from the back of the crowd. “Married people getting some on the side from other married people is the largest, most salacious sex scandal to rock the nation in decades?”

“Yeah,” shouted another guy. “What about Jack Kennedy or Franklin Roosevelt, or any one of the slimy Congressmen who tweet pictures of their favorite parts? Or the vast number of televangelists that espoused fidelity and didn’t practice what they preached. Now that’s a salacious sex scandal.”

Sir William raised a fist, “I could not agree with you more. All of the scenarios you refer to are lewd, indecent, obscene and other nasty words from the Thesaurus.

“And while I can’t deny that married men self-ordained with political and religious power messing around on their spouses is among the seediest performances by bottom feeders, I am compelled to admit that the salacious sex scandals are actually our local dog and cat population that have yet been spayed and neutered  having unprotected sex.”

“Are you kidding me,” asked the Cougar. “This is about animals?”
Sir William smiled, “Even if we are talking about humans, we are talking about animals. But I have heard horror stories from friends who devote their time and energy to trying to adopt out unwanted pets. They tell me about people who allow feral cats to mate so their kids can witness the miracle of birth. They should follow that with a video on euthanasia.

“Time to get spayed or neutered.”

With that, Sir William gestured to the crowd and ascended into his waiting limousine, Cougar in tow.

Above is a famous wife cheater. This one called Newt Gingrich a victim and said asking for an open marriage shows character.

Above is a famous wife cheater. This one called Newt Gingrich a victim and said asking for an open marriage shows character.

 

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