September 21, 2018

Headlines: The Year is 2029

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  • Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia’s third language.
  • Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States.
  • Baby conceived naturally . . . scientists stumped.
  • Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
  • Last remaining Jihadist dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq, Iran, Syria, Libya and Afghanistan).
  • France pleads for global help after being overtaken by Jamaica.
  • Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
    George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
  • Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
  • 85-year, $75 billion study: Diet and Exercise are keys to weight loss.
  • Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
  • Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
  • Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches. Commissioner considers raising height of basket.
  • New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers be registered weapons.
  • Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.
  • Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have long-distance PDA sex with congressman.
  • IRS sets middle-class tax rate at 75%.
  • Floridians have to recount election results, again.
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