June 18, 2018

Horoscopes for September 30-October 6, 2012

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ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

You will explain that the reason you are addicted to alcohol and sex is that you sought to cure your Restless Leg Syndrome. Oh yeah, it’s also why you wet the bed.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

This month finds you feeling confident and secure. The armored Hummer, mace, nunchaku, switchblade and AK-47 can’t protect you from those nasty nightmares.

GEMINI (May 21 -June 20)

You will find yourself thinking about climate change. What concerns you most is what possible effect it will have on your wardrobe. Shop ’til you drop, Gemini.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22)

September finds you at a special birthday party where everyone is required to recite poetry. Sadly, you only recall “Beans, beans, they’re good for your heart…”

LEO (July 23 – August 22)

You will contemplate the meaning of life this month. At first, you’ll be depressed. Later, you’ll take relief in the knowledge that eventually, we’re all going to die.

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

This is a good time to remain incognito. Oh, you can tell your loved ones your real name, but your co-workers at the sanitation department must be kept in the dark.

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

September finds you signing books at a break-speed pace. Everyone will want a copy of your best-selling treatise, “Men Can’t Be From Venus; It’s Too Far Away.”

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

Sock puppets. I’m not quite sure what that means or how it relates to your future, but if I were you, I’d go with it. Just remember, it’s easier to draw on the white ones.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

You will attempt mastering table tennis. Not athletically inclined, you will suffer serious injuries. Use a paddle, not a racket. And the balls are smooth, not fuzzy.

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

This would be a good time to try to realize your dreams. Those should be your daydreams, not those scary night dreams that wake you in a cold sweat.

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

You’ll realize that the answers to your questions aren’t in the bottom of a bottle. They aren’t in the sides or top, either. Forget the bottle, look to the bucket.

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

Love is in the air for Pisces in September and October. It’s also in the ground, the water, fire; it’s everywhere except your bedroom. Sorry, Pisces, nothing new this week.

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