April 21, 2018

Horoscopes for September 7-13, 2014

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CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16)
You will find it effortless to turn away from the dramatically unsocial people in your life and not ever look back again. Probably because they can run so fast.

AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11)
Some forecasts have pies and rubber chickens flying in your path. That is ridiculous. The stars show you dodging gluten free carrot cakes and rubber duckies.

PISCES (March 20 – April 18)
Just like a long race in the Olympics, you may want to pace yourself. Winning the first lap isn’t important, it’s finishing first. It’s a metaphor for sex, bone head.

ARIES (April 18 – May 13)
You know that feeling you get when you are leaning back in a dining room chair and are about to fall over? Well, that’s how you’re going to feel all month.

TAURUS (May 13 – June21)
Get grounded! Take care of yourself! Be kind to your body and soul! Like that’s gonna help. Get up! Take care of business! Go out and kick some serious butt.

GEMINI (June 21 – July 20)
You’ve been focusing too much on spending money, and not enough on making it. With that kind of experience, this is a great time to run for political office.

CANCER (July 20 – August 10)
You’re generating ideas now that will only achieve full dimension over time. Of course, time is relative, so you may not even be around to reap the rewards.

LEO (August 10 – September 16)
If partners in work or love aren’t open to your complaints, then use your charm and subtle powers of persuasion to get what you want. Or, you can always go it alone.

VIRGO (September 16 – October 30)
The embers of your social life have been glowing steadily for weeks. Just when you thought you would burst into flames, someone douses you with water.

LIBRA (October 30 – November 23)
You have become such a strong personality that someone may actually accuse you this month of showing off. Take them aside and remind them of your humility.

SCORPIO (November 23 – November 29)
It’s funny to mean one thing and have your interlocutor understand something completely different. Like, how you’ll say, “Hi” and they’ll hear, “I want you.”

OPHIUCHUS (November 29 – December 17)
This month, someone will pay you a compliment that makes your heart soar. Only later will you discover that your admirer is a compulsive liar and stalker.

SAGITTARIUS (December 17 – January 20
In September, everything could spiral out of control – like a vortex of confusion. Luckily, there are only thirty days in the month – the life span of a bad vortex.

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