February 27, 2024

Horoscopes for September 1-7, 2013


ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

You will be disappointed this month when you hear that Pluto may not be classified as a planet in the future. First the Easter Bunny, then Santa Claus, now this.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

You will go on one of those food-in-the-mail diets. You’ll lose weight, but will go broke replacing all the items you will break throwing them around your house.

GEMINI (May 21 -June 20)

You will develop the power to see peoples’ auras in September. You will also be confused as to why they always seem to turn to baby poop brown as you approach.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22)

This month you’ll have a religious calling. At first, you’ll think it means you have to join the clergy, but later it will just turn out to be another wrong number.

LEO (July 23 – August 22)

September will have recurring dreams of abductions by aliens in the middle of the night. This would be a good time to start wearing those Close Encounter jammies.

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

You will follow your mother’s advice by wearing clean underwear in case of an accident. You will later have an accident, but it will involve your underwear.

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

You’ll feel like a movie, then you’ll feel like a beer. Later, you’ll feel like a lobster. Danger comes when you feel like a dog peeing on your neighbor’s tree.

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

You will start channeling Rama Dan, an ancient Egyptian rumored to be one of the original architects of the Pyramids. Research will prove he was only a mason.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

You will decide to vacation where American tourists are respected and their values and politics are appreciated. Unfortunately, there is no other reason to visit Iowa.

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

You will leave your loved one over bathroom issues. First it was the toilet lid, then the number of sheets of tissue used and finally not jiggling the handle. That’s it!

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

A lack of sleep will cause you to hallucinate. You’ll imagine people liking you and thinking you are smart and attractive. Whatever you do, don’t fall asleep.

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

This will be one of those uneventful months. You’ll leave your mate, change jobs, move to another country and convert to become a Druid. Other than that, nothing.

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