September 19, 2018

Horoscopes for March 2-8, 2014

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ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

This month you will embark on a journey to discover your inner self. A wrong turn down the trail and you’ll find yourself in the middle of a spiritual safari gone awry.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

You’ll have flashbacks of someone in authority saying that you will rue the day. You didn’t know what they meant, but in March, you will rue at least one day.

GEMINI (May 21 -June 20)

You will discover a hitherto unknown talent for finding odoriferous elements in everyday life. You’ll eventually quit your job at the zoo and run for Congress.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22)

Some time in March, you will be reminded of the enlightening words of Cornville sage, T.E. Lanois, “Love thyself, just not as often or with such enthusiasm.”

LEO (July 23 – August 22)

This month, you will discover the heretofore hidden talent, bird calling. Unfortunately, it is less rewarding than your current hobby of collecting plastic spoons.

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

You will be cute and perky this month. After the cancelling of Valentine’s Day, you are ready to embrace Purim, St. Patrick’s Day and even Dr. Suess’ birthday.

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

This is the month that you experience a rude awakening. Of course, the awakening might not have been so rude had you not fallen asleep drunk in someone else’s car.

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

You will start a new exercise regimen this month. You doctor will advise you to start off slow. Trips to the kitchen, bathroom and bedroom will seem to work.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

Your lover is still reeling from getting zip for Valentine’s Day – the day invented by card, flower, candy companies. So, who invented Got Another Headache Day?

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

The planetary influences surrounding you this month have you placing a strong emphasis on career moves. I guess this means you move from job to job to job.

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

This March is the time to let up on yourself—take it easy—do nice things for yourself. Make sure what you decide to do involves only safe and legal activities.

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

You will seem very resourceful this month. You’ll impress people in conversation and communicate to loved ones on new levels. Choose your fingers wisely.

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