May 26, 2018

Horoscopes for September 15-21, 2013

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ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

You tell your family that you are going to take up repelling. They don’t know repelling from rocks and dismiss your announcement as a continuation of your being repulsive.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

You’ll invent an amazing product called D-Tails that could vastly improve life. Unfortunately, rumors spread that the devil’s in the D-Tails and it fizzles out.

GEMINI (May 21 -June 20)

You will rush across the country when you hear of a discovery of the fountain of youth. You’ll be disappointed to find it is just another concrete peeing boy.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22)

This month, you work furiously to make a fashion statement. While most observers are just bemused, many think the statement is a cry for professional help.

LEO (July 23 – August 22)

After years of your mother telling you your face will freeze like that, your face will finally freeze, eyes bulging, tongue out, lips snarling, thumbs in ears. Cool!

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

Using Irish Spring soap for the first time will cause you to do the jig in the streets, wearing only a tweed cap, exposing your shamrocks, resulting in your arrest.

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

This month, you’ll have a recurring nightmare where you stroll into a Karaoke bar hoping to win the grand prize, but freak out when everyone is singing in Japanese.

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

Honoring Native American traditions, you look for items depicting the four sacred plants, four sacred colors and four directions and buy a CD by the Four Seasons.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

Venus is in your Seventh House of Osiris and Jupiter is aligned with Mars. This is the dawning of the Age of Sagittarius and everyone takes up archery.

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

You will look to this forecast for major decision making. I also recommend you close your eyes, spit on a rock and rub it on your bum before taking the plunge.

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

You’ll wake each morning afraid to look into a mirror. This is compounded by your inability to shave or apply makeup without disaster. Imagine the horror.

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

Things are looking up. Unfortunately for you, that will happen precisely when a flock of birds are overhead and making a statement about the nation’s politics.

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