October 21, 2018

Stress Secrets Revealed . . . By Bishop, Special Excentric Winter Tryout

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Stress is an ignorant state. It believes that everything is an emergency. ——N. Goldberg

Emergencies are everywhere! No one really knows how many emergencies have been declared since World War II, so it is little wonder that citizens feel wrapped in blankets of stress. Concoctions of all sorts have been bottled and canned to alleviate various nerve-wracking stress conditions, but so far, none seemed to have worked. Whatever the potion, neighbors still fear other neighbors, and run hot over any hint of hearing jazz music in the air after dark.

In the hunt for treatments, one fell into my lap, a menu of all things, featuring a potion encountered by the late, great author Chuck Bowden. Take a pitted olive, and stuff it with an anchovy filet. Now put that filet inside a black bird. Then put the black bird inside a quail and put the quail inside a pheasant – at which point the pheasant goes into a turkey, and after a while, the turkey is placed inside a pig. Out comes the red wine as a huge roaring fire is roasting the pig. Out comes even more old red wine near the end of roasting. When the fire winds down and the wine is history, eat the olive. Bowden wrote once that he hoped that recipe would work.

However, there is a hitch! We live in a time when we are persuaded to believe many things by Madison Avenue. Illusionists do not turn out to be true–Arabs will welcome U.S. invaders with fresh flowers in the streets, that corporate taxes are killing progress (they are at their lowest since the 1950s) and as water rises in the streets of Miami climate change is denied as left-wing myth.

All of which brings us to the reported plague of stress sweeping the nation. Time and again, in many mediums—and on the Internet and beyond, innocent citizens are told that stress is draining workers both mentally and physically. However, what if there is more to the story—a great deal more to the story; what if there are additional elements to the story? It may be that what you are about to read summons up another example of the upside down world in which we find ourselves to a greater degree every day: taxpayers funds subsidize polluters, then, taxpayers funds are dispensed to clean up the pollution. Meanwhile in Iraq, our soldiers are being shot at with guns we supplied them with just a few years ago.

On a lighter note, according to research unearthed by this dreadful, overpriced, irresponsible scandal sheet, it may be that what we think we know about stress is erroneous. Various researchers, including a Professor Crum in London, according this sheet’s competitor, the NYT, observe, “All of our good efforts to warn people about stress might be creating a mind-set that makes it more damaging.”

So what, you might ask? Because the new view is that non-workers, even lazy folks, may suffer more damage from stress than hard-working folk, like the 40 employees of this dreadful sheet do. How come?

Professor Spector reports, “The stress of boredom can lead to counterproductive work behavior.” Turned into street talk, he said calling in sick, playing on the Internet on non-work games, gossiping as often as possible with other employees are brought on by boredom at work.

On the other side of this illuminating research is that what we fear is stress may actually be good for us. Good for us?

How about research at Stanford U. insatiable Excentric staffers recently unearthed?

Hormones released when one feels stressed, “help the body cope, sharpen cognitive functioning and speed up the brain.” Furthermore, “even the most traumatic stress can help people grow by developing mental toughness, new perspectives.”

The essence of the Catch-22, reliable sources confided to your correspondent, due to depart due this sheet’s board directors reluctant to pay hard-working, ink-stained wretches like your loyal correspondent what he is worth.

Ironically, after wandering through fields of fresh research, one is forced to conclude that we the people create our own reality up to an extent. Studies reveal, in conclusion, people who fear that stress is having a bad effect on their health actually suffer more serious health problems.

So, Ms. Goldberg, we are not as ignorant about stress as we used to be.

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