September 23, 2018

New Addictions Discovered . . . By Bishop, Excentric Therapeutic Consultant

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Happiness is not a destination. It is a method of life.                                                  Burton Hills

 Truth be told, it is said that in greater Sedona, people are either therapists, former therapists or thinking of going into therapy. Now arriving is a puzzling new strain of emotional emotions, so widespread that self-published, self-help books are even now being created. One need not be a therapist, however, to detect the trend. One can sense the trend almost anywhere, from the markets to the barbershops, from the dry cleaners to post offices and resorts: people have glum looks on their faces. Drivers glower at one another for no reason.

Imagine that, muse visiting reporters from larger newspapers in which conditions are so bizarre and horrendous that families fall apart and reporters wander into oblivion. How could it be asked a scrivener from a disappearing New York magazine that in one of the most beautiful spots anywhere, people seem to be quite unhappy?

Opinions fill the air like wads of cotton.

Could it be that billionaire money men now control elections, so the political parties no longer decide elections?

Could it be that new rules will make it harder and harder to vote, everywhere?

Could it be that men are skulking at the thought that the next president—and vice president—might be women?

Thanks to a special Excentric task force, hectic with former politicians, a defrocked nun, a right-wing garden supply tycoon, and several lesser known gurus from Rimrock and Lake Montezuma, some sort of answer is now taking shape. Due to their extraordinary inside sources, the special task force is also on the verge of naming names. Cutting to the heart of it, it’s been learned that a new kind of alien is in our land, not from outer space – but from Chicago.

No one is sure where she learned her trade or even what she looks like, except for a head full of flaming red hair. Her main message, insiders tell us, is that no one should dare to be happy, and the key to survival is to discard all the good news about life and friendship, clear blue skies and wandering wildlife in our city. For a handsome fee, this flaming redhead will pound into the minds of long lines of people not mysteries of who stole the vortexes, but countless ways to become unhappy. Thanks to an intrepid special task force a list of talking points has fallen into its hands. A sample follows.

• Think about the past; all the mistakes one has made.

• Think of all the foolish, stupid things one has said or done.

• Make a list of all the people one cannot trust any longer – from bankers to politicians, TV news channels issuing untruths, to state legislatures who wouldn’t know how to organize a two-car funeral.

• Remind oneself of all the hurtful things people have done to others, and remember each and every hurtful detail.
• Feel angry and hurt as often as possible.

• Think of people who’ve never offended anyone but might have thought about it, and may do so at any time—and might be even talking behind one’s back anyhow.

The Task Force wound up their efforts with a less than high-flying conclusion. More and more people are becoming “news junkies” latched to radio and TV news always carrying the darkest, worst news imaginable.

Case after case was uncovered by the task force of men and women becoming obsessed with bad news about climate change, the stock market, threats to the Verde River, Chinese military buildup, that another hawkish Bush is coming out of the Bushes, murders in Chicago, no more Swordfish in the oceans—and that is not the half of it.

Here’s the other the half of it. More and more people, day after day are being discovered experiencing adrenaline rushes from channel surfing from one tragedy to another, all depressing.

After long hours of contemplation in the subterranean conference center at The Pink Nectar Café, just out in the back of beyond, the task force took a series of votes on which cause takes the cake. The winner: “cold turkey” in all devices requiring electricity, at least for five days.

Early samples of opinion revealed the people who did that felt like themselves for the first time in eons and went out into their gardens to plant vegetables to make up for what is not coming from California this year—and if water does not flow soon, it may be until the 12th of never.

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