June 24, 2018

NEWS QUIZ? . . . by Joseph G. Evrard, Staff Kentuckian

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Do you watch the news on TV? Good.I have a fun quiz for you. Let’s tune in now…

‘Good evening and thanks for joining us here at Channel One Eyewitness News. I’m Rodney Bighair. In tonight’s top story, President Obama calls upon embattled Mideast leaders to: Blow each other off the map. Kiss and make up. Go jump off a cliff. De-escalate the violence and begin peace negotiations.

“In Congressional news, a report released by the House Majority leader reveals that: Most members of Congress think they should unlimited terms. Recently passed campaign finance reform legislation will make a big difference. They are behind the President 100% on all issues.All of the country’s problems are still the fault of tax and spend Democrats.

“Now for a look at medical news. Researchers at Johns Hopkins University announced a new treatment for victims of “Poorly Formed Toenail Disease.” The researchers were quick to point out that: The new treatment is painless. The new treatment is so cheap anyone can afford it. The new treatment can be performed in the doctor’s office in five minutes. More study is needed.
“Will tomorrow be a nice day or will it rain? The answer to this question and more after these commercial messages.”
CELEBREX commercial. NEXIUM commercial. VIOXX commercial. VIAGRA commercial. DENTURE GRIP commercial. PERSONAL HYGIENE commercial.

“Welcome back to Channel One Eyewitness News. Now for a look at the weather, here’s staff meteorologist, Spring Raines.”
“Thanks, Rodney. Well, folks, it looks like we’re in for some weather. A look outside at our Channel One Skycam shows a blanket of stato-nimbus clouds moving on a vortex trajectory with a slight Coriolis force component, which will ultimately lead to darkness by nightfall with scattered light by morning.

“Here’s the view of the current weather radar scan. Notice the strong returns from upper level shear winds approaching the region from the west. These winds are expected to blow until they stop. Only after the winds have finishing blowing can we expect any calm weather. For the next few days we can expect: Continued clear weather. No weather. Massive earthquakes, floods, tornadoes, and pestilence. Light to variable change accompanied by cloudy or clear skies with some chance for light rain or clearing, whichever occurs first. “Back to you, Rodney.”

“Now it’s time for our Feature Event on Channel One, “Proper Parenting,” in which we tell you how to raise your kids. Tonight’s topic is “Touchy Teenager.” In this report, all of you concerned parents will learn how to: Get your teenagers to clean their rooms. Convince your teenagers that drugs are bad. Ensure your teen always behaves with respect and decorum. Be a mentor and role model for your sensitive teen, demonstrating the highest level of caring, compassion, political correctness, multiculturalism, respect for diversity, sharing of feelings, love of clean air and water, and respect for your child’s unspoken inner needs.

“Now it’s time for Channel One Eyewitness Sports! Here’s Channel One Eyewitness sportscaster, Biff Goodsport.”
“Thanks, Rodney. Tonight’s sports report features an exclusive interview with team captain, Jason Player. “Jason how do you account for your team’s fantastic performance in the play-offs?” “Well, uh: We had the best team and God liked us more. We were lucky. It’s all due to our magnificent coach. Well, ya’ know, it’s like we just came to play, and ya’ know, we all went out and ya’ know tried, like, ya’ know to do the best, ya’ know, that we could and ya’ know, it just worked out like, ya’ know, in our favor. Ya’ know. Praise God.

“Well, folks, that’s all for Channel One Eyewitness News. Be sure to join us later tonight for all the late breaking news on Channel One Late Report.”

Fade to: CELEBREX commercial. NEXIUM commercial. VIOXX commercial, etc., etc.

Okay, it’s time to score yourself on the news quiz. If you answered (a), (b) or (c) to any of the questions, you are a total dunce and don’t deserve to live.

If you answered (d) to all the questions you are a news champ! Now, ask yourself, if you got all the answers right, why do you need to watch the news anyway? HUH?

See ya around.
BUCK

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