August 15, 2022

Horoscopes for January 20-26, 2013


ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

Your New Year’s resolution will be easy to fulfill. You will increase your wealth by raising the value of your trucks. Filling them with gas should do the trick.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

You will try in vain to get a date with a person in uniform that is totally out of your league. It turns out that they bowl on a different night than your team.

GEMINI (May 21 -June 20)

This year you will have those tattoos removed, take out the safety pins, fill all your piercing holes and let that side of your hair grow back. Your kids will be proud.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22)

This year, you will vow to stop drinking and never step foot into another bar after learning that you were conceived during a very happy hour on a pool table.

LEO (July 23 – August 22)

You will discover that you have developed the gift to channel a divine spirit from the past. Unfortunately, the divine spirit was deaf and you don’t know your sign.

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

You will learn the secret to happiness. Your friends and relatives will bug you to share it with them, but if you do, then it won’t be a secret any longer, will it?

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

You will vow to become more sensitive this year. Start by carrying artificial tears and going to a romantic movie. If that fails to convince them, pinch your thigh.

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

You will spend a good part of January trying to convince the online vendors to let you return the numerous useless gifts your relatives bought on the internet.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

This year, you will vow to right the wrong and return America as the Land of Milk and Honey, convincing people to send the President tapes of My Name Is Earl.

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

You are among those who don’t believe in resolutions. Oh, you used to make them, but realized you didn’t get happier, make money or have sex with someone else.

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

Your goal to find a vegan soul mate at the grocers will be made easier this month as you strike up conversations in areas other than the organic bananas or cucumbers.

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

Usually Pisces slide through January with little to no fanfare. This year won’t be much different. You can go about your business with very few people caring at all.

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