November 20, 2017

Victoria’s Secret Revealed!

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Pictured above is a group of Sedona cattle lining up for feeding. A special blend of organic grains help produce some of the cleanest methane in the free world. The popularity of the feed is evidenced by the column of cattle waiting patiently to be served. Due to the potential financial benefits of the program, cattle barons are hurriedly herding their livestock to Sedona. Now, truly every part of the bovine can turn a profit–from its milk to its hide to its meat to its hooves, and now to its gas–making it, by far, the most cost-effective animal on earth.

SEDONA, AZ. Hordes of reporters, photographers and paparazzi from the five corners of the globe gathered yesterday around in the courtyard across from the Institute of EcoTourism at the Los Abrigados Resort on Portal Lane. Sir William Randolph, World Famous Publisher of the Excentric World, and close friend of Victoria, had hastily called a press conference to reveal Victoria’s secret.

“I’ve hastily called this press conference to reveal Victoria’s secret,” Sir William began, as the crowd hushed in anxious anticipation with the wave of Sir William’s hand.

“As many of you know, out of concern for our fragile environment and limited natural resources, Los Abrigados has gone ‘green,’ thus proving that corporations can be environmentally responsible and profitable simultaneously.”

“Excuse me, sir,” piped a reporter from Sedona’s small, other paper, “What does the environmental correctness of a resort have to do with Victoria’s Secret? The last time I looked, the secret subject was well-endowed models parading in skimpy lingerie on television and in catalogs.”

“While I have a great appreciation for those hard-working models and an even greater appreciation for the products they promote, I’m afraid I’m talking about a different secret from a different Victoria,” Sir William answered.

“My Victoria is the world-famous bovine scientist, Victoria Victor, not to be confused with the drag queen Victor/Victoria portrayed by Julie Andrews. Victoria is currently working on a plan that just might save the world. One of the most pressing dangers threatening man’s existence on earth, second only to a nuclear holocaust, is global warming or the green house effect. Though some whackos claim alien invasion is more likely than global warming to obliterate mankind, most scientists worry that unless harmful environmental gasses are drastically reduced, the earth’s polar regions could reach temperatures that cause the massive icebergs to melt, causing tidal waves and major global devastation.”

According to a report in some other publication, the current administration announced an agreement with seven countries to slow global warming and harvest an otherwise wasted fuel by capturing emissions of methane, a heat-trapping gas, from landfills, coal mines and oil and gas fields and pipelines. Some climate scientists said it was a worthwhile effort, but criticized the administration for opposing restrictions in emissions of carbon dioxide, the dominant gas linked to rising temperatures generated by humans.

The agreement would funnel money and expertise from wealthy countries to poorer ones, where investments could produce benefits, both in curbing climate change and conserving methane, a clean-burning fuel that now goes to waste. Michael O. Leavitt, the administrator of the Environmental Protection Agency, said the administration would propose spending $53 million over the next five years, although he said the project had not yet been included in any budget request.

Scientists and private environmental groups said there was still a need to cut carbon dioxide. The administration is opposed to requiring reductions in carbon dioxide, focusing instead on slowing the growth of emissions through voluntary programs and faith-based pollution abstinence courses.

Conspicuously missing from the government’s list of recommendations was the capturing and burning of freshly released cow flatulence, a prime source of methane. Scientists have affirmed that cows and other cud-chewing animals produce enough methane to support future launchings by NASA. Anywhere from 20% to 60% of current “man-made” emissions originate from livestock, the rest is from political speeches and recent city council meetings.

Sedona cattle emit a particularly high amount of organic methane due to their special diet. Perhaps a similar special diet of the city council is responsible for the outsourcing of unnecessary studies.

“Victoria’s secret is a new, innovative way to harness Sedona cattle’s organic emissions and store them in gas silos. When the need arises, stored gasses could be piped to the most desperate parts of the state and burned for heating fuel,” Sir William explained.

“One obstacle is getting the cows to poot on cue and teaching the gas baggers the dangers of smoking on the job.”

The Poot Propagator, the name of Victoria’s invention, is expected to raise a real stink in the industry. Lord knows what can be done to reduce the methane from politicians.

 

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