December 11, 2018

ASTROLOGY FOR THE WEAK

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CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16)
This month, quit worrying so much and start having a good time. After all, as long as you’re walking on thin ice, you might as well play hockey. Gooooooooooal!

AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11)
The stars say it is time for Aquarius to stop telling any big lies this month. If told properly, a few well placed, small lies can actually be just as effective.

PISCES (March 20 – April 18)
The astral alignment has allowed for the calculation that now is definitely the perfect time to make firm, life-changing decisions. At least I think that’s what it is.

ARIES (April 18 – May 13)
According to planetary alignment, you are in for the most dreary, rotten, boring, inconsequential, depressing, month ever. Avoid sharp things, cattle and rocks.

TAURUS (May 13 – June21)
Your money planets say taking paper clips, scissors, staplers and such from work is no more than petty theft. Now, embezzlement; that’s where the big bucks are.

GEMINI (June 21 – July 20)
This month’s horoscope reveals you will consider expanding your expectations of yourself. Relax. Take it easy. It’s just as east to make a big mistake as a small one.

CANCER (July 20 – August 10)
You may be wasting time taking those instantly play piano lessons to be the big hit at parties. It will turn out that no one remembers the words to chopsticks.

LEO (August 10 – September 16)
This month a sigh of relief will come when you learn you can lead a life without guilt. Don’t forget, if you are forced to lie to someone, it’s actually their fault.

VIRGO (September 16 – October 30)
Now is a good time to change your life. It’ s time to stop and smell the roses. Remember, it is far, far better to get somewhere slowly than to get nowhere fast.

LIBRA (October 30 – November 23)
Desperate for love, you join a bunch of online matchmaking sites. You will think you found compatibility with a warm Canadian Mounty, only get the cold soldier.

SCORPIO (November 23 – November 29)
The stars this is the right time for Scorpios to grow up and finally face the facts. Never forget, life can not be one big picnic, unless, of course, you’re an ant.

OPHIUCHUS (November 29 – December 17)
Since the Sedona Excentric Astrology For The Weak editor is the only person to officially recognize Ophiuchus, it is with pride we forecast absolutely nothing.

SAGITTARIUS (December 17 – January 20
Don’t hang out with any who has a different sign than you. Stick to running with other Sagittarians. It’ll be like synchronized swimming, only on the ground.

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