ASTROLOGY FOR THE WEAK
CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16)
You will observe that past actions are just now starting to reverberate in your life. It is if you are at the beginning chapter of “When Your Karma Turns To Cacka.”
AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11)
You will find that when you stir muddy waters, they just get muddier. The same holds true when stirring trouble with extraterrestrials. They get extra terrestrial.
PISCES (March 20 – April 18)
This month, you’ll discover that patience is much more valuable to you than even the best thought-out plan. Unless, of course, you’re BP with duct tape and bags.
ARIES (April 18 – May 13)
You’ll have a stroke of genius. Write it down. Hone it. Refine it. Polish it. Hold it up to the light. Not the sun! Oh no, it’s blown away and you forgot what it was.
TAURUS (May 13 – June21)
Your sex life hasn’t been much to write home about – don’t ever write home about that. But, things pick up when you play capture the flag, hidden in your shorts.
GEMINI (June 21 – July 20)
The stars say while it is best to nip a problem in the bud, but is also the time most thorns are poking out. Be careful when nipping not to get stuck by a little prick.
CANCER (July 20 – August 10)
The alignment of the planets show that this is a good time to open your mind and follow your gut. Too often, you are wasting your time and sitting on your butt.
LEO (August 10 – September 16)
You will find that the closer you can get to the earth right now, the better you’ll be feeling. Unless, of course, you get close by tripping and scraping your face.
VIRGO (September 16 – October 30)
This month you have too many important items crowding your schedule. Socializing falls by the wayside until you finish your airplane and recover from the glue.
LIBRA (October 30 – November 23)
A ton of attention comes your way for something you never expected to be a big deal. Someone shared a video of you doing unmentionable things in an elevator.
SCORPIO (November 23 – November 29)
You will jump for joy this month when you discover great luck has landed on your doorstep. Unfortunately, you will later find it was delivered to the wrong address.
OPHIUCHUS (November 29 – December 17)
Unleash your wildest ideas and explore what you really want to do with your time on Earth, no matter how insane it seems. Just make sure it’s legal and harmless.
SAGITTARIUS (December 17 – January 20
You will search for a path to find an original and fun way to communicate with you-know-who. Sadly you-know-who doesn’t have the slightest clue who you are.
