March 22, 2018

Arizona Barbies and Her Friends from the Net


Scottsdale Barbie: This princess Barbie is only sold at The Borgata. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a cookie cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with “augmented” version.

Arcadia Barbie: This princess Barbie is only sold at Scottsdale Fashion Square. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus or Suburban, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a refurbished house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with “augmented” version.

South Phoenix Barbie: This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a 1975 Chevy Suburban with tinted windows and her own Meth Lab Kit. This model is available after dark and can be paid for only in cash, preferably small, untraceable bills, unless you’re an undercover cop, then we don’t know what you’re talking about.

North Central Barbie: This yuppie Barbie comes with choice of a Lexus SUV or Ford Windstar minivan. She gets lost easily and has no full time occupation. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Optional matching gym outfit. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. But you can’t afford them anyway.

Glendale/Peoria Barbie: This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt and has a tattoo of “Tweety Bird” on her shoulder. She has big, stiff hair, a six pack of Bud Light and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and can kick mullet-haired Kenny doll’s ass when she’s drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a lift kit absolutely free.

Ahwatukee Barbie: This collagen-injected, rhino-plastic Barbie wears a tight leopard-print outfit and drinks margaritas while she entertains girlfriends by the hot tub in the back yard. No vehicle necessary, she can’t find her own house. Percocet prescription available.

Chandler Barbie: This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased her beer-gutted boyfriend out of West Side Barbie’s house. Her make-up is dark red lip liner with your choice of lips covered in a sparkly pink or no fill-in at all. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans with assorted colored G-strings that stick out the back and a white see-through halter-top. Accessories include: CD-player equipped with Bon Jovi and a rusty old Ford pick up.

Texas Transplant Barbie: This Barbie comes with a Ford SUV (with Texas plates), a knife to stab other Barbies in the back, tons of makeup, and really big hair. Carnivore Ken sold separately.

Mesa Barbie: Pale blonde shoulder length hair and blue eyes with android expression, complete with bible in one hand and a crucifix in the other. This Barbie sports a special limited edition “What Would Jesus Do?” sweatshirt and drives an American car with an “Abortion Stops a Beating Heart” sticker. Sedan also available with Focus on the Family bumper sticker.

North Scottsdale Barbie: This Barbie is the most expensive, due to her extravagant outfit: Mink full length coat and 5 carat diamond ring, Prada shoes and Versace pantsuit, with real human hair that has been personally styled by Jose Heber. This Barbie also has a blank stare and is nicknamed Botox Barbie. North Scottsdale Barbie drives a chrome accented Mercedes SUV that has never seen a dirt road. North Scottsdale Ken also comes with Prada outfit and is sold with a snifter glass of brandy and a Cuban cigar.

Tempe Barbie: This Barbie comes complete with dirty, bare feet, acid washed jeans, T-shirt with a kitten on the front, denim purse from the “Out-of-business” sale at Pic-N-Save and food stamps. If you can afford it, her accessory package includes primer colored 1982 Pontiac Sedan, suspended license and a mutt with 13 puppies. Sorry, Ken cannot be found. Shoes are not available with this Barbie.

Sedona Barbie: A fairy princess, Barbie comes with a crystal amulet, a chiropractor, masseuse and Walk-On-Coals Ken.

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