May 16, 2022

Crash & Burn . . . Repeat

We might as well be watching a 30- car pile- up the way Americans are holding hands over their eyes trying to avoid the grisly bits of the most grotesque presidential race we have witnessed in this, the second decade of the 21st Century. Of course, it’s only the 2nd election during that time, but still. That is not to say 2012 wasn’t genuinely gruesome with more than its share of cataclysmic collisions and demolition derby debacles but this time they’re headed downhill faster than an 18- wheeler with burned out brakes carrying a load of nitroglycerine on the western…

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No News From Doodlebug Island…by William F. Jordan

You knew it was going to be a fun-filled day when it was announced that Sandy Upshar, a Democrat, had received an invitation to the Republican think-tank to be held in October at the Wigwam Resort in Litchfield Park. The idea of a well-loved and highly respected history professor from Doodlebug University being invited to a think tank whose visions extend barely to the limits of legislation bought and paid for by the Koch brothers sent a wave of laughter over the whole of the island. For everyone knew that that prank would soon be followed by another, the extent…

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Buying A New Car . . . by Brendon marks

New car dealers spend a lot of money on advertising. I used to think many of the ideas were pretty silly, but I always knew that no matter how silly the idea was, next week there would be one to top it. I didn’t believe these silly ideas would have any impact upon who would buy which car or when, until a friend told me that he was going to buy a new car. “What kind?” I asked. “It really doesn’t matter,” he said, “There’s a dealership down the street that has a giant inflated football helmet out front. That’s…

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No News From Doodlebug Island…by William F Jordan

While Jeff Wimberly doesn’t actually live on Doodlebug Island, it is as if he did, inasmuch as he has represented us in the Arizona legislature for twenty-six years. In that time his good nature has been repeatedly tried, not so much by folks at home as by other members of the legislature with whom he serves. He was recently in to see me at the Doodlebug Publishing Company about an upcoming political ad. “If there is any insipid, inane, quirky, or downright stupid legislative bill I haven’t already heard of, I’m fairly certain someone is working on it as we…

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Small Town Culture . . . by Brendon Marks

I grew up in small towns and I like them. They stay forever small because of their names. A name like ‘Cook’s Falls’, ‘Fish’s Eddy’ or ‘Peaksville’ would never survive if the town became large. The politicians or the inhabitants who came later to swell the village beyond its beginnings would undoubtedly not be descended from the Cook, Fish or Peak families, and would change the name to something more suitable for a thriving metropolis. If you hear names like that, you just know it’s a small town somewhere. Typically these towns are situated beside a railroad line or where…

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Many People Are Saying…

by Blodwyn Smythe Recently I sat down with United States republican presidential candidate Donald J. Trump for this exclusive interview. It was conducted at an undisclosed location at some time after he announced his candidacy and before he completely stopped talking about the poll numbers where he was winning so big. For space purposes, my part of the conversation will be designated as BS and his DT. Believe me. BS: Thank you for taking the time to answer a few questions and candidly speak your mind without anyone having to explain what you mean. I understand you are not a…

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Unlicensed and Untrained…by Brendon Marks

The government recently released the “alarming results” of a study that determined the majority of young children are not receiving day care from trained workers; instead, they are being cared for by “unlicensed and untrained” providers. Who are these heinous perpetrators? They are relatives–mostly grandparents. Government workers are particularly alarmed that grandparents are “unprepared” for the nurturing of young minds at a particularly vulnerable age. Well, if these loving, but “unlicensed and untrained” grandparents are so dangerous, where was the government when my generation needed them so badly to protect us during our formative years? If they’re not qualified to…

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No News From Doodlebug Island…by William F. Jordan

Seated on a plaza bench in front of his physical therapist’s office, Matt Cox was collecting his thoughts which, considering the paucity of thought to be collected, hardly presented a reasonable excuse for his dawdling. The plain truth was he didn’t want to go in where he would have to face his therapist Jenny Wiltbank and there confess he had done none of the exercises she had assigned him, and where he would have to stand like a school boy enduring the scorn she would heap on his head. Even now and in advance of the actual encounter, her shrill…

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What’s In A Name? . . . by William F. Jordan

Rather disillusioned by what they considered the vagaries of religion, and wanting to move away from those who would censure their actions, Mr. and Mrs. Hugh H. Hume moved to Doodlebug Island more than a dozen years ago, but not before having their name changed. What it had been before they never said, and no one on the Island ever thought to ask. Islanders have simply referred to the couple as H and H inasmuch as she has been known by the name Honor, and their names reduce to the alliterative abbreviations already mentioned. But a recent discovery on the…

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Watch and Write . . . by Brendon Marks

A guy once said, “Don’t knock the weather; nine-tenths of the people couldn’t start a conversation if it didn’t change once in a while.” It has been attributed to Kin Hubbard, but when you stop to think about it, who said it is not important. What’s really important is that somebody wrote down that somebody said it. Does the guy who wrote it down ever get any credit? Mark Twain was another guy who was always saying pithy things like that and not once was it ever recorded that he said, “Hey, that was pithy. I guess I should write…

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We, Who Are About To Be Beaten With The Ugly Stick, Salute You…by Will Durst

Oh dear. Not pretty. Yes. Already. The upcoming presidential campaign is ugly now and destined to ratchet up to epic uglier as soon as Bernie Sanders decides to bow out. Which is imminent. Not soon enough for Hillary Clinton, but not long. The Vermont Senator has turned into that drunken cousin who hasn’t noticed he’s been the last guest for over an hour, cracking open another beer threatening to put his cigarette out in the kids’ wading pool. Starting to channel Hotel California. “You can check in any time you like, but you can never leave.” How ugly will the…

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No News From Doodlebug Island . . . by William F Jordan

The usual group of Islanders with idle time on their hands and a casual disregard for the way that time was spent were gathered at Smiley Blevins barber shop where astute political analysis was always the order of the day and pronouncements rendered with the force of papal bulls. “Donald Trump is the sole accomplishment of do-nothing Republican members of Congress,” asserted Dwight Bernbaum, a retired dentist and current councilman. “He is the spokesman for millions of Americans fed up with office holders who ostensibly owe allegiance to party rather than country!” “Yeah, Trump is a hollow shell housing all…

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It’s Only Water . . . by Brendon Marks

Water is amazing. Take two chunks of hydrogen, one chunk of oxygen, slam them together, and the result is a substance unlimited in its usefulness and versatility. Occasionally it has a down side, usually when a lot of the combined chunks get together and move from one place to another, but generally it’s pretty handy. Its popularity is widespread, and humans flock to it, more so on warm weekends. Any realtor will attest to the fact that humans are attracted to water. Oceanfront, lakefront, and riverfront properties always have the highest price tags. One whole state seems obsessed with the…

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MAN FOR ALL REASONS…by Will Durst

As evidenced by his hair, Donald J. Trump is pretty much wrong all the time. Every time. About everything. Except when he isn’t. One example is, should he become president, Mexico indeed will build a wall. To control our immigration. “Get me the hell out of here. Por favor?” Hell, Canada might have to build one as well. “Hey, let me in dere, ya hoser. S’il vous plait, eh?” Donnie John is also right about America becoming more religious under his reign, because upon his election, people are going to start praying, “like you wouldn’t believe.” All over the world….

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No News From Doodlebug Island…by William F Jordan

The usual group of Islanders with idle time on their hands and a casual disregard for the way that time was spent were gathered at Smiley Blevins barber shop where astute political analysis was always the order of the day and pronouncements rendered with the force of papal bulls. “Donald Trump is the sole accomplishment of do-nothing Republican members of Congress,” asserted Dwight Bernbaum, a retired dentist and current councilman. “He is the spokesman for millions of Americans fed up with office holders who ostensibly owe allegiance to party rather than country!” “Yeah, Trump is a hollow shell housing all…

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Veggiepets . . . by Brendon Marks

As I pointed out in my last column, some of my closest friends are vegetarians; however I’d like to delve into the subject from a different angle. Personally, I never felt that red meat was bad for you. Gray or green might be a little suspect, but red is okay. I don’t try to convert my vegetarian friends, and they don’t try to convert me. I may make fun of them now and then, but that’s pretty much the norm for my dwindling circle of friends, vegetarian or not. Furthermore, with a couple of my veggie pals, I get as…

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Trump Hires Undocumented To Build Wall

In an exclusive interview with the Sedona Excentric, Donald Trump, real estate magnate and all-around egomaniac suffering from NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder), sat down with our own Blodwyn Smythe for a one-on-one a day or so ago lasting well over fifteen minutes. While Mr. Trump spent a great deal of time repeating himself, no really, repeating himself, no kidding he constantly repeated himself with nearly each sentence uttered, he did manage to answer a few questions candidly, though he tweeted his retractions within hours of the interview. For the purpose of saving time and space, Blodwyn Smythe will be referred…

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Plump Grumps Humping To Dump Trump

A single Stop Donald Trump movement first developed into a trickle but now the number of GOP groups intent on preventing the New York real estate developer from becoming their presidential nominee is about to exceed broken March Madness brackets. Thanks, Michigan State. There’s the Never Trump Movement, the Anybody But Trump Group, Death Before Trump, Plump Grumps Humping to Dump Trump, the I’d Rather Chew Leeches Crew, People for Responsible Hair and a group opposed to anybody with UMP in their name. Rumor has it a group of Hollywood conservatives tried to recruit Tom Hanks to team with Sally…

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Is That Soy Or Sow? by Brendon Marks

The other day I had an opportunity to try a sausage and mushroom vegetarian pizza. I’ve had true vegetarian pizza before, but none of them has ever had sausage on it. For non-vegetarians, I may need to tell you that sausage does not qualify as a vegetable, so the sausage has to be something else, spiced up to taste like sausage. I don’t know what, and chose not to investigate and spoil the enjoyment of the moment. It’s probably some soybean product. Vegetarians tend to use a lot of soybean stuff. Apparently it has no flavor of its own, and…

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No News From Doodlebug Island, by William F Jordan

The usual group of Islanders with idle time on their hands and a casual disregard for the way that time was spent were gathered at Smiley Blevins barber shop where astute political analysis was always the order of the day and pronouncements rendered with the force of papal bulls. “Donald Trump is the sole accomplishment of do-nothing Republican members of Congress,” asserted Dwight Bernbaum, a retired dentist and current councilman. “He is the spokesman for millions of Americans fed up with office holders who ostensibly owe allegiance to party rather than country!” “Yeah, Trump is a hollow shell housing all…

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