May 16, 2022

Robots–Don’t Look Now . . .

By Bishop, Special Excentric Winter Scribe A room without books is like a body without soul. Cicero To Sedona’s most articulate author and war-time hero, Alan Graham Collier, “the purpose of education is to make people think for themselves.” Over coffee at a coffee house in Flagstaff, he was shaken to discover that this maxim isn’t always appreciated, celebrated or understood. It had been some time since he’d been to this celebrated place for coffee and gossip but his memory was clear enough to remember that most everybody was reading a book. Not this time, no sir. This time everyone had laptops, no one had a book, at all…

Read More

It’s All a Matter of Waste

Pictured above is a landfill–the place where unwanted waste is disposed of. Huge mounds of waste are dumped into behemoth holes in the earth dug specifically to hold everything  discarded by humans. While much of what people toss into heaps is recyclable, people choose to bag it  and  drop it in their garbage cans along with a large amount of compostable waste, purely for convenience. Only around 25% of recyclable materials currently make it to recycle centers due to human laziness. Now, some haulers are trying to capitalize of people’s lack of knowledge and dump their recyclables in one container while…

Read More

Barbecue the Sacred Cow

Recently I saw my neighbor Gee Gee and noticed she had a long, gloomy face. I debated whether or not to ask her what was wrong. I knew that if I asked I would be capitulated into a cerebral wasteland, listening to her mind-numbing monologue, and waste another half-hour of my life, a half-hour I would never get back. While these thoughts raced through my mind, she walked over and stated, “Guess what happened to me?” Gee Gee is the kind of neighbor you only seek out when your life needs a little soap opera excitement. If she is not talking…

Read More

New Psychologist on The Island

A psychologist of some renown bought a house on our fair Island a couple years ago, and, after moving his family into it, hung a shingle on the front porch advertising his services. He waited a great many days for even a single patient to appear, but no one came. At that point, he began to enquire why this should be so? Several people from whom he sought answers suggested he contact me with an eye to advertising in The Doodlebug Weekly Run-On, which I edit. The first thing I knew, this gentleman was seated before me asking about rates,…

Read More

Real Guy Quiz Time

Have you ever looked in a “girl” magazine? They’re full of these stupid quizzes like, “Does your man really love you?” Or, “How can I tell if I’m REALLY in love?” Here, at last, is a quiz that makes sense for GUYS! 1. What does your wife/girlfriend do when you remind her that it’s goose season? (A) Launder your camouflage (B) Run to her mother’s house (C) Clean your shotgun (D) A and C 2. When your truck breaks down in the woods, do you: (A) Scream to the heavens, “Lord, why me?” (B) Start walking (C) Look in the…

Read More

From The Bottom…by Brendon Marks

Someone said to me the other day, “Thank you from the bottom of my heart.” I said, “You’re welcome, but what does that mean?” “What does what mean? The bottom of your heart.” “You know, it’s like thanks a lot, I really mean it.” “Well, what if someone says ‘Thank you from the top of my heart.’ Is that better or worse?” “But people don’t say that.” “I know, but what if they did? Now to me, bottom has a negative connotation. People don’t say ‘Bottom of the morning to you.’ Showing your bottom to moon someone is an insult,…

Read More

No News From Doodlebug Island…by William F Jordan

Exactly how a discussion of an ideal political system morphed—perhaps it should be more properly be said ‘descended’– -into individual descriptions of belief regarding totems was impossible to say, The Doodlebug Island Philosophy club had been well on its way toward solving the world’s problems when it was sidetracked by a sudden penchant of members to provide detailed explanations of attachments to those physical or imaginative symbols of which each seemed to be possessed The diversion was afterward lain at the feet of Herb Collins, a pharmacist by training; a mystic by nature. He announced that on the night prior…

Read More

Skewered and Plattered by Will Durst

Shattered. Splattered. Scattered. Battered. Tattered. Skewered and Plattered. Barely mattered. That was the Democrats after November’s election. But surely in the months since, they’d come together to stand aligned in the face of the flaky imperiousness of our so- called President. You’d think. And ripe bananas make a fine masonry grout. The Democrats have lost their direction so completely they need a compass to wipe their butts. Incontestably, incontrovertibly and incredibly… useless. We are not speaking of a trifling of uselessness here. “Totally and utterly and unconditionally useless”- barely scratches the surface. The exact extent of the uselessosity exhibited by…

Read More

Long Live the Occult

Where no hope is left, is left no fear — J. Milton Riding the technological bandwagon, life is changing seemingly faster than time itself. Truth be told, the rush to the Internet has created casualties in our daily lives. Harken to the words from The Stone, a philosophical volume of small circulation but enormous power. Indeed, as we learn new skills from Tweeting to Texting to preferring the virtual to real action, other proficiencies are going by the wayside: the art of conversation, the art of being present, the art of looking at people, and that’s just for openers. Nonetheless,…

Read More

National Rival Association, Turning a Deaf Ear and Putting Out Fires

Doodlebug Island fire chief Claude Finnegan has at last solved one of his more perplexing and reoccurring problems, and it has lightened his load appreciatively. He has begun calling the Caldwell household each evening to learn whether the wife, Laurie, or the husband, Dave, is cooking dinner. If he learns that it’s Dave, Claude feels free to close the fire station and go home to his own dinner. But, if he hears that Laurie is cooking, he or one of his staff remains on duty for the emergency call he knows is inevitably going to be made. Now, it’s not…

Read More

Manifest Destiny and a Thief’s Remorse!

This contribution to the Valley’s premiere news and literary journal will take us to the deepest of the Baja for a dark and sordid tale of power, obsolescence and man’s deepest yearning for an effortless life and frozen tropical drinks. It is a tale of manifest destiny and a thief’s remorse. It is also the story of a small creek, a big dream and the realization that nothing is forever. The time is the turn of the century (the one before this last one – Y1.9K). And the situation is one that is as tenuous as it remains today. As the story goes, a…

Read More

Booms Rattle a Country?

Pictured above is a clip from the movie “Mars Attacks.” While this is clearly an animated character, it represents the big-headed aliens that are predicted to eventually launch an assault on Earth. Some people think the recent booms were sonic booms created by extraterrestrial aircraft zipping around the world. Rumors of an upcoming invasion are now reaching beyond the sets of Hollywood. While the Martians may not be little green men from outer space (there would have to be some women–unless, of course they would be coming here to take ours) they could, if they exist, still pose a serious…

Read More

Trailblazing Arizona Wines

Most of my focus on Arizona wineries has revolved around the small group of people at the forefront of the Northern Arizona wine scene. This is a Sedona based publication after all. My goal, though, is to promote Arizona wine in general, since the state as a whole is going through a period of growth, and shows real promise in joining a handful of other states as prominent American wine producers beyond California and the West coast. All industries have their pioneers, and there are a few names in Arizona that carry recognition as the trailblazers who not only initiated…

Read More

Calendars . . . FREE . . . and worth it!

If you are reading this, then you know, as I do, that the world did not end on December 21, 2012. Conspiracy theorists, New Age nincompoops and a cabal of defrocked priests with Internet divinity degrees have been saying for the last few years that life, as we know it, would cease to be on that auspicious date. The source of their purported knowledge was a calendar composed some 5,000 years ago and, according to scholars, distributed in hardware stores throughout the Mayan world, for free. I’m not sure if the prediction was based on the calendar itself or something…

Read More

The Inexplicability Remains

Some things and/or events are, by their very nature, inexplicable. You can spend days together analyzing them or reflecting upon them, but, despite all, the inexplicability remains. A recent set of events will illustrate the point. As editor of the Doodlebug Island Weekly Run-on, I wrote a series of columns last month in which I was critical of teacher education at state-run universities. Indeed, the word “critical” hardly seems to do my scathing denunciations justice. It would be safe to say my attacks would be thought by some to border on magniloquent bombast. But, though I whaled away at such…

Read More

Enough of the Public Cacophony!

Have you noticed that you cannot go anywhere without music playing at high volume? Banks, cable companies and psychic shops, to name a few places, pipe out loud and usually obnoxious music. And, it is not just these venues, where we’ve come to expect music, which play it; other businesses where you expect serenity or a modicum of quietness are contributing to the cacophony. Doctor’s offices, elevators, and stores all feature music to help you shop or pass the time. Why is it that we cannot have silence in public places? Why isn’t the subtle pinging of cutlery against plates…

Read More

No News From Doodlebug Island…by William F Jordan

Judged by celebrations of prior years, this Christmas and New Year have been among the most festive . The Doodlebug Island town council ordered new lights which arrived just in time to turn the Island into a fairy land. Tinsel, bunting, and a live Santa perched in a real sleigh decorated the Plaza, and the latter never failed to elicit a good deal of merriment, for the sleigh was pulled by eight goats who proceeded to eat whatever amount of hay was brought for the manger scene, and who individually and collectively demonstrated the herding qualities of Tea Party members…

Read More

Arizona Barbies and Her Friends from the Net

Scottsdale Barbie: This princess Barbie is only sold at The Borgata. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a cookie cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with “augmented” version. Arcadia Barbie: This princess Barbie is only sold at Scottsdale Fashion Square. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus or Suburban, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a refurbished house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in…

Read More

Snoopy Rock’s To Do List

Get Sedonans to chip in on decent Dog House Rock. Quit chasing Rooster Rock, except on weekends. Invite the Red Baron over for pizza. Stop lifting leg every time I pass Chimney Rock. Have Garfield and Odie over for Red Dog Beer. Head up petition drive to outlaw celebrity rock dog neutering. Go to Slide Rock and cool off the hot paws. Make Football Rock for Charlie Brown. Renew subscription to AKC Gazette magazine. Stop chasing tail during full moon. Get back frisbee from bully extraterrestrials. Sniff backs of rocks shaped like dogs. Persuade folks at Eukanuba to sponsor rock…

Read More

Driving Arizona Wines

The Arizona wine scene is still in its infancy really. Most of the people involved in the business here run a mom & pop operation, and on a small scale are simply following a passion that took hold of them. While even the largest of Arizona wineries is considered small versus the size of major producers in California, there are a few driving forces that are laying the foundations for premium wine production in the state. Some are becoming modestly sized wine businesses, proving that success can be achieved in the Arizona wine market. I’d like to introduce you to what…

Read More