December 1, 2021

That Really Bunches My Panties…by Brendon Marks

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I was reminded the other day of an incident that happened years ago when I was a young lad, not even out of high school, working on a dairy farm. As we finished the milking one warm spring evening we realized that one of the cows was probably going to drop her calf during the night.

Usually these events require no assistance on our part, but we decided that maybe we could make things a little more comfortable for her by taking her out of the stanchion and putting her outside in the barnyard where she could move around.

The next morning when we returned to the barn we discovered she had indeed given birth, but we were not ready for what else we found.

Either she had laid down too close to the fence or in his stumbling around trying to get up the calf had gotten outside the fence and didn’t have sense enough to be able to get back inside. Mama was going berserk. One end of the fence was actually a railroad tie that had been inserted in the ground next to the barn making a sturdy post. I have no idea why the fence was not attached to the barn, but over the years the tie had tipped slightly away from the barn and Mama had attempted to go through between that post and the barn.

The only part that she got through was her head and she was stuck. When she tried to back up she would drop her head and the little knubs of her horns stopped her. The more she pawed at the ground, the stucker she got.

My boss said, “Get under there and push her head up and she’ll back right out.” This plan did not work. My boss couldn’t help because there was not room enough for both of us and I couldn’t get it done alone. I even turned my back on her and stood up trying to force her head up. All I got for my effort was the back of my neck smeared with cow slobber and snot.

We made another plan. Since I was the smallest, dumbest, and lowest on the totem pole, I got up on her back (which she didn’t care for much at all), reached over the top, and grabbed her ears. I put one foot against the barn and the other against the tie and pulled while my boss pushed up from in front. After a bit, this plan worked, even though she was not helping at all, but when she came out of there I was in a real precarious position. She immediately swung to the right, knocked my leg off the tie and I came down on her back. She shook me off like a horsefly and kicked me in the ribs as I landed in a soft, squishy, aromatic location right behind her.

Meanwhile, the calf had somehow managed to get back in the barnyard. I can only assume he wanted to get a better view. Mama never showed any sign of appreciation.

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