April 16, 2024

So You Think You Know Christmas . . . by Joseph G. Evrard


Those of us who’ve been around for a few Christmases think we’ve seen a thing or two and think we know a lot about this most popular of celebrations. Well, if you’re like me, you’ll be surprised to learn some things about Christmas that I’ve turned up in my “great world-wide Christmas fact search.”

Santa doesn’t use reindeer all over the world. That’s right. The “Right Jolly Old Elf” uses different forms of transportation depending where he is. In our part of the world, as well as in most of Europe, the reindeer get their workout. In China, he travels in a golden rickshaw pulled by cats. In India, the sleigh is hooked up to a dozen musk oxen – don’t want to be standing below that one!

Australians have him traveling around in a sailboat. But, when he hops over to New Zealand, he’ll be riding on the back of a goose. In Zanzibar, he rides a goat. While in Germany he goes around disguised as a giant bratwurst – the dogs love him. Most South American countries have him riding a llama, except in Ecuador where he swings from tree to tree in the manner of a monkey.

Africa has him riding whatever animal is familiar nearby, so he may be seen aboard a lion, a wildebeest, a zebra or a cheetah. His reindeer all goof off and hang around a hot tub while Santa goes about his rounds in the rest of the world.

Speaking of reindeer – they don’t just sit idle during the rest of the year. Santa makes them work for a living just like anybody else. Don’t be surprised if, on your next trip north, you see a reindeer delivering pizza. Just as you might suspect, they blow most of their tips on moss and lichens.

Nobody knows for sure but, rumor has it, Santa’s sleigh is maintained in the off-season by a top NASCAR garage somewhere in North Carolina. It’s got to be the world’s most lovingly cared-for vehicle – all that attention and maintenance for just one run per year. It’s worth it though. Can you imagine having to tell your kid that Christmas morning is cancelled this year because Santa’s sleigh broke down? Not on your life. The pit crew’s heads would roll.

Santa’s wife is not allowed to drive the sleigh. It’s right there in her contract. It is. I’m not making this up. This provision is known as the “Claus Clause” and is ironclad and can’t be changed no matter how, um, nice Mrs. Claus is to Santa. Sorry, a naughty thought just crept in. I’ll have to pay for that.
The average American has a high tolerance for nauseating things. A recent study shows that it takes at least three hundred phony “Ho, Ho, Ho’s” by some guy on TV trying to sell furniture to make the average American adult barf.

The U.S. Patent Office has received over three hundred patent applications entitled “Uses for Old Christmas Trees.” So far, none have been approved.

Meanwhile back at the North Pole – all of Santa’s reindeer are local heroes. They even have reindeer “trading cards.” Be the first on your block to collect all eight! You can guess what pandemonium was created when Rudolph was hired!

By the way, all of the reindeer go by their real given names. None of them uses a stage name, so it’s purely by chance that we don’t hear Santa shout, “On Dozer, on Hubert, on Freebish and Dan. On Mikey, on Spikey, on Sigfreid and Sam.”

The Binney & Smith Company has received thousands of requests for a brown Crayola called reindeer.

The Best Kept Secret: Santa’s “naughty and nice” list is kept by the Elf Accounting Department at the North Pole. The elves give the list a final update just before “the big day.” Of course, it’s impossible to update the list to the last second of the last day. There has to be a cut-off date. Your friend, BUCK, has learned that – December 1st – is the official cut-off date for the list this year. This means that from now on you can be as naughty as you want, and Santa will never hear about it! Go have yourself some fun!

“Merry Christmas!”

See ya around,


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