SANTA CLAUS LAYS OFF ELVES
Pictured is a dejected Santa Claus, after having to issue pink slips to many of his trusty Elves. Some diminutive workers have assembled toys and sleds and tiny rocking chairs for years. But, with the international economy struggling for the average wage earner, who hasn’t had a pay increase in decades, collection plates are thin and the number of toys for good little girls and boys has been reduced, resulting in the elf factory cutbacks. Though things are better than they were just some eight years ago, Corporate owners, stockholders and CEOs are watching their bonuses rise in the face of a dwindling middle class.
by Blodwyn Smythe,
Sad Santa Reporter
SEDONA: At a hastily called press conference in the parking lot of Raven’s Nest Trading Post, Sir William Randolph, World Famous Publisher of the Sedona Excentric and Exalted High Muck-a-Muck at ExcentircWorld.com addressed a whole slew of reporters, fans and passersby, to explain why Santa may have to skip over some parts of the country on his way to deliver toys to good little girls and boys.
Sir William took to the podium. “I’m here to explain why Santa may have to skip over some parts of the country on his way to deliver toys to good little girls and boys. Santa is like the world’s best stalker. He sees you when you’re sleeping. He knows when you’re awake. He even knows if you’ve been bad or good.
“So, before you look around you to see who has been good or bad and wonder if they are getting a Christmas gift or not, take a close look at yourself and ask if you really deserve to have Santa fulfill your wish list.”
“Are you expecting Santa to visit you,” asked a reporter from Sedona’s small, other paper.
Sir William grinned, “Are you kidding? I’ve been so good, I’ve made up for some of you. If you look under your tree this Christmas and find that special something that you know you really did not deserve – you got that because I was so good I covered for you.”
The reporter appeared grateful, as though she knew she had done something she hoped no one had noticed. “Thanks.”
A voice from the crowd shouted, “If you are getting everything you wished for, are the remaining Elves putting in overtime off the clock just so you can celebrate?”
“I don’t think Elves can put together my gift,” Sir William answered. “I don’t think it will fit on Santa’s sleigh. And it sure as heck won’t fit down my chimney.”
The voice shouted back, “What did you ask Santa for?”
“That’s between me and jolly old Saint Nick,” Sir William bellowed. It’s kind of like voting – it’s none of anybody’s business who you voted for. That’s why they have those little walls set up – so you can keep your vote private.
“I even sent my letter to Sant via snail mail for fear that someone might hack into his website and put my wish list on social media pages for all to see.”
“You really wrote a letter to Santa Claus,” asked some reporter from some local magazine.
“You didn’t?” Sir William queried. “Where’s your Christmas spirit? Even if you celebrate Chanukah or Kwanza or simply the winter solstice, you need to find that place in yourself, when, at least once a year you wish Peace On Earth And Good Will Toward Men.
“I know a lot of organizers and CEOs of not-for-profits that are writing Santa to ask that people be more generous in 2015. Even business owners have lower rents on their wish list. Their employees certainly have higher wages on their hopes and dreams registry.”
“What does this all have to do with Santa Claus laying off elves?” shouted some gal from the back of the crowd.
Sir William raised his arms to calm the now riled gatherers. “Remember, we are in a new millennium. There are corporate takeovers and buyouts happening constantly. Unfortunately, Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus, who once thought they were protected by using Legal Zoom some years back and setting up their franchise as an LLC, discovered that, while they were trusting board members, there was a coup and an insider raid of Santa, LLC.
“Before they could say, ‘Ho,’ Ho,’ ‘Ho,’ their shares were less than the needed fifty percent to influence corporate policy. The new, greedy bean counters leveraged their holdings and even replaced Santa as CEO with some Grinchy guy.
“After crunching the numbers, the new board decided to downsize the number of gifts given to both children and adults who behaved and believe, resulting in the ultimate layoff of hundreds of Elves.”
“What are those poor Elves and their families supposed to do with no work and limited skills,” asked some other gal.
“Who knows?” Sir William replied with chagrin. “This is what happens when greed reigns and workers take a back seat to corporate profits and bonuses. Maybe they could help to build solar panels and wind turbines and at least help keep their homeland from melting into the seas. Rumor has it that they are in the process of forming a union and instigating collective bargaining. Merry Christmas, to all and to all, well, good luck.”
With that, Sir William gestured to the crowd and ascended into his waiting limousine.
Above is a saddened Elf after receiving his notice of termination. This Elf will soon be labeled a deadbeat and welfare king. Like all people receiving government assistance, the fault for losing his job lies squarely with the Elf. God bless us, everyone.
