NEW LAWS AND RULES FOR 2015?
Pictured is the poster child for No Comb-over billboards to be placed around the country. People should not be exposed to these sights, resulting in a plethora of flash mob gatherings singing songs from the love rock musical “Hair” and, in some extreme cases, people shaving their heads and eyebrows. Even though someone with this hairstyle may actually run for the highest office in the land, one of the new laws would prohibit them along with facial tattoos, excessive eyelid piercings, collagen lip inflations, or earlobe hole stretching, unless, of course, it’s a tribal custom, in which case – never mind.
by Blodwyn Smythe,
Rules and Regulations Reporter
SEDONA: At a hastily called press conference on the sidewalk around the walking the sidewalk between Raven’s Nest Trading Post and The Melting Point on SR89A, Sir William Randolph, World Famous Publisher of the Sedona Excentric, was surrounded by a horde of reporters, fans and onlookers and preceded by microphones and cameras. He was there to inform everyone of the new laws and rules going into effect in 2015.
He stopped, then walked toward the crowd, forcing camera haulers and news journalists to scamper to get a clear shot and a clean quote. “I have called this press conference to inform everyone of the new laws and rules going into effect in 2015.”
Holding a legal pad in the air he continued, “I have a decalogue of what at first seem to be common sense gestures, but will now be legally binding rules with threat of punishment for violation.”
“Decalogue?” shouted a reporter from Sedona’s small, other paper. “Are you saying you have a new list of the ten commandments handed down to Moses by God?”
Sir William stared at the young, plebeian reporter, “I use decalogue in the vernacular, sonny, referring to a list of ten items. No Biblical reference is intended. Besides, these are penned on a legal pad, not etched in stone by lightning.
“At the top of this list, which is is definitive and binding, are the new laws regarding road safety. No longer will eight-wheeled trucks be permitted to pass one another going up a hill longer than the length of their rig at a posted speed greater than 35mph. All drivers of passenger vehicles will be required to dress appropriately when heading to a public location. No thongs or house robes or anything else worn on those email photos of Walmart shoppers. Geez, people.”
“Does that include pants worn around the thighs ,” asked some gal.
“Yes ma’am,” he responded. “In the category of appearance, I suggest you read the new laws next to the picture of Donald Trump. Add to that legislation prohibiting the wearing of socks with thong sandals and any combination of plaid and stripes and paisley. Any man wearing a plaid shirt with a striped tie and a checked jacket will immediately be turned over to the fashion police, removed of their garb and forced to wear orange jump suits for a long time.”
“Wow! You plan to go nuclear by taking people off the streets and disrobing them because you take offense to their attire,” asked some guy wearing a shirt with colors that looked as if someone had chewed crayons and spewed full force.
Sir William smiled. “Wow! You obviously dressed yourself this morning. No way your wife lets you out in public in that outfit. Lucky for you, the law doesn’t take effect until February 14th.
“And as long as you brought up the word ‘nuclear’ – it is pronounced nu-clear, not nu-kia-ler. Mispronouncing basic words in another of the new laws for 2015. The strongest examples are realtor – real-tor, not real-a-ter, library, not lie-berry, ambulance, not amble-ants.
“And a personal favorite of mine is when people, who attempt to imply that they retain a superior vocabulary, constantly substitute the word myriad for plethora. Myriad has the word of in its definition, so there can never be a myriad of anything. These verbal violators will be banned from speaking aloud and forced to use sign language, for which the word myriad has no significance or application.”
“These laws seem unworthy of serious consideration and are more like nuisances. I’m not sure the punishments fit the alleged crimes,” said some other guy.
Sir William swung around and walked the opposite way, sending photographers and microphone caddies scrambling again. “I think it is all relative. While these violations of human decency may not offend you, kind sir, they irritate me to the very core of my bones.
“The list includes the rule of returning your grocery cart to a proper bin, not left near the car that carried your lazy bum there.Break this rule and you will find yourself repairing all the wheels on wobbly wheeled carts.
“And no cell phones are allowed in any eateries. People who need to talk on their phones while others are dining out will now find themselves in the designated smoking and gabbing area outside. Second hand racket from callers on cell phones is hazardous to the enjoyment of gourmands everywhere.
“Finally, a law forcing journalists to actually check their facts. I guess this law will end FOX News.”
With that, Sir William gestured to the crowd and ascended into his waiting limousine.
