November 28, 2023

Cottonwood to Buy Salt River Project


According to a confidential Excentric source that will heretofore be referred to only as “Big Gulp,” the City of Cottonwood has launched a hostile takeover bid for the water and power giant, Salt River Project. According to Big Gulp, it is only the tip of the iceberg as far as what Cottonwood has in mind for the future. Did we say iceberg? Yes!

“We want it all,” said Big Gulp, “Lake Powell, Lake Mead, Lake Michigan and the polar icecap. We are sick and tired of being kicked around by those water junkies down in Maricopa County and now we are going to do something about it. When the plan is completed we should have control of most of the power in the state and, eventually, all of the water in the world, at which point we will no longer have to listen to those sniveling Phoenicians. We realize it’s an ambitious undertaking, but we believe it’s doable.”

The plan calls for Cottonwood to float $5 billion in junk bonds, with additional financing from a loan offered by their neighbors in Sedona, an advance on future water and power revenues from a consortium of the area’s check cashing and payday loan establishments and a line of credit from the recently chartered First National Mercantile and Trust Bank of Cornville. “We feel that with all of that capital behind us, and a bake sale or two, we should be able to leverage our way to becoming not just the state’s, but the world’s leading water provider,” said Gulp.

According to B. Gulp, the idea is the brainchild of Cottonwood Councilgirl, Karen Pfeifer. Apparently tired of the constant whining by city residents over the proposed rate increases that will result from the city’s purchase of three local water companies, Pfeifer proposed that the city start thinking outside of the tub and turn its new water company into a for profit business. By making every city resident a stockholder they would each get a dividend check at the end of each year instead of paying $3 per flush. “She thinks it will keep the political dust down and eventually drown out the critics,” said the Big G. Pfeifer, along with the rest of the members of the city council, has been the object of a recent lawsuit by a group calling itself the Concerned and Churlish Citizens Centered on Containing Cottonwood’s Careless City Council and the Continually Climbing Costs of City Services (CCCCCCCCCCCCCS). So far the lawsuit has only been successful in maintaining the lifestyle of some local attorneys and draining the city coffers.

At a recent meeting in the darkened confines of Nic’s Crabhouse, the Gulpster confided to this reporter both the scope of the project and the logic the city will use in its courtroom battles. As described by the Gulp, the city is first intent on taking over at least 51% of SRP. Once that is secured the city will then put SRP’s estimated 100,000 to 200,000 water attorneys to work on suing the Bureau of Reclamation for possession of Lake Powell and Lake Mead, then move on to the international courts to establish ownership of the Great Lakes and the polar icecap.

“This is virgin territory for these lawyers from Phoenix. I don’t believe they have explored the possibilities outside of the Salt River watershed, which is a real shame,” said B. G. Just think what we can accomplish once we find a willing judge who understands that the whole hydrologic cycle is tied together. You know the theory that says that water that evaporates from the Verde River eventually falls as rain in New York, which is then flushed out the crapper and ends up on someone’s lawn in Jersey, and on and on. Once that point of law is established, we can then make the claim that all of the water in the cycle, or in effect the entire planet, belongs to SRP, or in this instance, us. Since the law says that the first one to make a claim on that water has the right to it, it’s a slam dunk. Like Karen said, you just got to think outside of the tub. “We have a few details to work out as far as how we’re going to get the polar ice cap here, but one thing’s for sure, once we get it here we’ll be able to make one hell of a margarita.”

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