June 1, 2023

Time Capsule Unearthed!


Pictured above is a trunk much like the one recently unearthed in Sedona, AZ. When uncovered, the finders expected they would be rewarded with gold and silver coins or rare gems. Could the trunk be filled with a pirate’s treasure? Maybe there would even be a hook or an eye patch–or feathers from a parrot that would perhaps identify its owner. Perchance there were religious artifacts from some ancient deity–brass chalices laced with rubies or crosses studded with emeralds. Imagine the fame and fortunes of discovering the Holy Grail–not Mary Magdalene, but the real McCoy. Whatever was inside this mysterious box was sure to bring its finders pleasure. Or would it?

SEDONA, AZ. While digging a pit to barbecue a pig, a Sedona man hit what he thought was just another rock only to discover that he had in fact struck an antique footlocker. After calling a friend to bring a pick axe, the two began to dig around the box until they had it loose enough to haul it out of the hole. Much to their surprise, the only markings visible seemed to be knife scratches on the top that said “Do Not Open ‘Til XMas.”

This being months before the day celebrated as Christmas, the two looked left and right for witnesses and decided to toss it in the back of one of their pickups and drive to Cornville to avoid detection–just in case they were doing something wrong or if there was something good inside that they didn’t want to share.

As it turns out, the secret trunk was loaded with keepsakes from the past. It was indeed a time capsule. But buried by whom and when? To answer these questions, the shy adventurers began to rummage through their haul. Bewildered and befuddled, they sent up a smoke signal to Sir William Randolph, World Famous Publisher of the Sedona Excentric.

It is well known in these parts that Sir William can be summoned via smoke much like the Batman signal light. Disappointed that the signal was not a call to barbecue, but nonetheless amused by the booty discovered by the pork poachers, Sir William handed over the loot for investigation and definition to his crack loot inspection and appraisal team.

After careful examination, his team emerged with their results. Sir William summoned a horde of reporters from around the area to reveal what may be described as the haul of the millennium.

From the parking lot of Bodacious Burgers, Sir William spoke. “I have summoned you here to reveal what may be described as the haul of the millennium,” he shouted to the anxious, but polite, horde.”

“Can you tell us what was in the box?” asked a reporter from Sedona’s small, other paper.

“Well, isn’t that the reason you got an invitation?” Sir William grumbled. “Now you know why I so hastily rejected your application. And your wife says don’t be late for dinner tonight.”

“What happened to the pig?” asked a reporter from some gourmet magazine that was passing through.

“That swine will live to haunt vegetarians for another day,” smiled Sir William. “What do you say we get back on topic? My crack loot inspection and appraisal team has tagged the items discovered in the footlocker which are to be auctioned off in the near future.

The crowd began to call out uncontrollably, like children pushing in line barking at an ice cream vendor. “What was inside the box?” “Where did the box com from?” “Was anything valuable found inside?” “Who are the original owners?”

“Patience, I’ll tell you everything. First, the contents’ original owner is most likely deceased, as much of the the collection showed signs of some serious aging. Let’s begin with the Swiss Army knife. It would appear the Swiss didn’t invent the original Swiss Army knife, as this knife had all of the tools of a Swiss Army knife, including scissors and wine corker, but had a symbol reminiscent of the ancient Shang Dynasty circa 100 BC.

“Now that may have been enough of a find in itself, but there was a hand carved wooden Buddha bobblehead doll with a ‘Made in Mexico’ stamp on one of his bare feet. Of course, the spring had rusted his head to his shoulders, but its eyes seemed to follow you wherever you went.

“There was a partially smoked cigar, but I think that fell out of the shirt pocket of one of the barbecue buddies because it still had some saliva attached to it.”

“Speaking of barbecue, is there going to be one after this event?” asked some guy holding a burger menu.

“I suggest you ask the proprietor to rustle you up some grub, my good man,” answered Sir William. “Now, one of the more intriguing items discovered was a box of hardened Jujubes with a ticket attached from an old Iroquois lacrosse tournament.

“Among the collection inside the buried vault was a history book from a private school in Louisiana with actual Polaroid pictures of humans living alongside dinosaurs. The troglodyte humans, being much smaller in stature (averaging no more than 5 feet in height) than the enormous reptiles, were constantly looking up to make sure they didn’t get stepped on or get pelted by Pterodactyl droppings. The pictures depict a cave woman who looked a lot like Racquel Welch, breaking gigantic eggs into a cast iron skillet, seemingly preparing an omelet, and a hairy, toothless man throwing rocks at a baby Eoraptor with a caption saying, ‘Yabba dabba doo.’

“One chapter of the book was titled ‘American History.’ That section revealed that United States’ propagandists made up the Great Depression and that there was no slavery to speak of, as all the people from aboriginal savage lands who found themselves on American soil looking for work were given life long careers, their very own homes and a health insurance plan.

“I would have to conclude that the box belonged to a collector of rare and meaningless objects, that he traveled the world, was a Buddhist and buried the box during a vortex visit to Sedona. Oh, and he was from the Deep South and probably drank to excess.”

Sir William gestured to the crowd and ascended into his waiting limousine.

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