December 1, 2021

VORTEX SUMMONS PUBLISHER

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Pictured is a long-time contributor to this publication, Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland, Minister of Reality. In this picture, Doug is the “Happy Gardener.” Doug wrote, “I am the happy gardener, I sweat and grunt and bleed; My eyes are crossed, My mind is lost, In joyful Zen I weed.” Doug, along with James Bishop, Jr., William F. Jordan, Brendon Marks, Joseph Evrard, Joel Mann, Denny Mandeville and numerous others are the reason the Sedona Excentric lined the streets of the Verde Valley for more than 25 years. E-books of Frankly Fanny, Astrology for the Weak and Kozmik Korner to be released soon.

by Blodwyn Smythe,
Final Frontier Reporter

SEDONA: At a hastily called press conference at the vacant corner lot of Saddlerock Circle and SR89A, Sir William Randolph, World Famous Publisher of the Sedona Excentric and ExcentricWorld.com gathered reporters to reveal his plans to shut down the print version of the Sedona Excentric.

He stepped onto a flatbed trailer, surrounded loyal companions and friends locked in arms and humming the Battle Hymn of the Republic. “I invited you to this hastily called press conference to reveal my plans to shut down the print version of the Sedona Excentric. I wish to convey my appreciation to my loyal staff, the many thousands of readers and the advertisers who had the good sense to do business with Sedona’s alternative to near news. I want to thank all the Typical Excentric Readers, my mascots and family for helping me serve Sedona and the Verde Valley for the past twenty-five and three quarter years. It has been a privilege.”

“What will you do,” asked a reporter from Sedona’s only remaining paper.

“The Vortexes have called me to Asheville, North Carolina. I came here because of the Vortexes and now that Page Bryant, who discovered them, has reported they have moved to Asheville, I must follow. I came here 27 years ago,” he continued, “and have seen close friends and businesses pass away. Perhaps I’ve overstayed my welcome.”

“Say it isn’t so, Sir. Say it isn’t so,” shouted a member of the gathering crowd of onlookers. “Is there any way we can convince you to stay?”

“Short of buying the paper and using the 25 years of copy to run it yourself, I don’t see that happening,” Sir William answered. “Even though it is still extremely popular, it needs new blood injected into it.”

Someone from the front of the crowd, tears streaming down their face cried,” There must be some other reason for your leaving. Come on, you can tell us. After all, you own a castle here. You have a railway system and polo grounds and nuclear submarine and yacht club and on and on. How can you just up and leave all that behind to chase some silly made-up invisible energy sources in the hills of North Carolina. This is your home. This is the Sedona Excentric’s home. Who is going to tell us the for real truth once you leave?”

“Hi honey. Ladies and gentlemen, my wife.” Sir William reached out and helped his wife to the platform. “I’m sorry if I forgot to thank you when I was giving credit to everyone for my success.

“Okay, folks. it’s time I came clean. In light of the Bryan Williams’ revelation and the exaggerations by Bill O’Reilly and the lies of the entire FOX News organization, talking heads, bloggers and politicians everywhere, I, too, have been put on indefinite leave sans pay.”

“But you own your own company,” hollered someone with a North Carolina drawl. “How can you get fired?”

“I fired myself after it came to my attention that my publication has been exaggerating and fabricating stories about nearly every subject matter imaginable. Someone had to stand up and take responsibility.”

A rumbling voice from the reporters’ galley queried,” Where is the country to turn for satirical dissertation? It started with the second departure of Jay Leno. Then David Letterman announced he was leaving. Even John Stewart is moving on. What is happening?”
Sir William bowed his head. “Okay, I lied about firing myself. I did confine myself to my castle for a week and was barred from traveling on my railroad or using my yacht for a month. And I sold the nuclear sub to Apple so they could figure out how to get wifi under water. but I still am accepting serious offers for the Sedona Excentric.”

Someone from another paper piped up. “So, if I came up with the right amount, I could buy the Sedona Excentric, all previous editions and all its holdings?”

Sir William smiled. “Yep.

“You people need to know that it wasn’t me who made this paper so popular. It was the works of Morrie Horowitz, James Bishop Jr., Doug Sutherland, William F. Jordan, Brendon Marks, Joseph Evrard Joel Mann, Denny Mandeville and the contributions of many others. So you see, anyone can run this paper if they have a sales staff.

“I can only hope someone sees the value in a publication that has no news, yet entertains, educates and encourages thinking.
“As far as Leno, Letterman and Stewart are concerned, I hear they are all relocating to the hills in Asheville, North Carolina.”
With that, Sir William gestured to the crowd and ascended into his waiting limousine.

Above is a picture of one of the more popular vortexes taken at night before it moved from Sedona to Asheville, NC.

Above is a picture of one of the more popular vortexes taken at night before it moved from Sedona to Asheville, NC.

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