CLIMATE CHANGE HITS HERE?
Pictured is what was once a large body of fresh water. Some ranchers, who used to graze their cattle at this oasis, owned and maintained by the United States Bureau of Land Management, have filed a complaint claiming that they now will be forced to pay to graze on private lands at ten times the price. It’s bad enough that the government subsidizes ranchers at a loss to taxpayers each year and have for nearly fifty years, but now, due to cutbacks, they have been forced to resort to employing rain dancers from nearby tribes (that used to own the land before it was stolen from them) to attempt to end the drought.
by Blodwyn Smythe,
Global Hot Stuff Reporter
SEDONA: A horde of reporters, onlookers and fans of Sir William Randolph, World Famous Publisher of the Sedona Excentric, gathered atop Airport Mesa in the parking lot of Sky Ranch Lodge to hear Sir William reveal the truth behind the rumors of human related climate change.
“I have gathered you here on this lovely spot to reveal the truth behind the rumors of human related climate change,” charged Sir William, Excalibur in hand.
“What’s that thing you’re holding up there,” asked a reporter from Sedona’s small, other paper.
Sir William waved Excalibur around his head. “When I released this sword from a really big rock in Oak Creek, I, by divine design from the Heavens, was hereby appointed the ‘Wise Guy’ of the entire Verde Valley and all of its citizens and a few worthy tourists.”
“I don’t mean to be rude,” interrupted the reporter, “but what exactly does retrieving that huge shiny, pointy object have to do with climate change?”
Sir William smilingly said, “I don’t think you were being rude, sonny. There is no journalistic etiquette in existence any longer. To that point, there are no journalists any longer – just a broadcast vacuum filled with bloggers and slightly inquisitive newts with Twitter accounts anxious to have their scandal go viral.”
Someone from the middle of the crowd, wearing a t-shirt sporting the theme song for fossil fuel investors: GNUCES – (pronounced NUKES) Gas Nuclear Uranium Coal Energy Security, shouted, “I think you’re trying to avoid the question. What does that sword have to do with climate change? Personally, I don’t believe people are responsible.”
“Couldn’t agree with you more, sir,” quipped Sir William. “People are not responsible – for just about anything these days. Owners of the exploration and exploitation of the products on your shirt want you to believe that without these products the world would come to an end and jobs would be lost. On the contrary, people in the mines and on the rigs could be trained to construct wind turbines and solar panels in days.”
“What does that have to do with that really cool sword,” asked some reporter from Cornville.
Sir William lowered the sword, leaning on its hilt. “Okay, let me see if I can put this in a way most of you will understand. I snatched the sword from the creek, was ordained ‘Wise Guy’ by some wizard waving a crystal wand and, in a dream decided to summon people from my Wise Guydom and fill you in on the changing climate around here.
“For decades, I have observed councils and landlords come and go, all attempting to rule over these lands and create an atmosphere conducive to the way of life they came from or imagined could be to suit their needs and desires.
“Sadly, many came for the riches this land of not-so-plenty had to offer – real estate – the value of the land and what it could bring in if only placed in the right hands. It became as if Sedona were held hostage and the kidnappers were holding her for ransom. But, they would need to collect high bounties, which would require the tenants to make many sales, which would require many people to bring large sums of money.
“That is the change of climate I have seen in these lands, lo these many blue moons and retrograding Mercurys. And there you have it.”
“I don’t have it. I don’t have any of it,” cried a loyal subject of the Guydom of Sir William. “I don’t even have that Mercury in retrograde thing. It seems that every time something goes cafluey in someone’s life, it’s because some planet is going backwards. How does a planet in our solar system go backwards? Maybe that’s what’s wrong with we earthlings. We’re actually going backward. It would certainly explain a lot of the recent Supreme Court rulings and a slew of states’ legislation against women these days.”
“You have it,” an excited Sir William declared. “That’s our climate change. What once made sense and seemed fair to the majority of people has been hijacked by a few who want to control everything. Some guy becomes a hero for being a Welfare Cowboy, sports team owners believe some people should be put in their place, while politicians want to limit rights to vote – climate change. You do have it.”
“Can I hold your sword,” asked some guy.
Sir William glared at the man. “Nope. Only the Wise Guy himself and a few very loyal subjects will ever hold the royal sword,”
With that Sir William then gestured to the crowd and ascended into his waiting limousine.
What’s one more polar bear? Perhaps a nice oil spill and this beautiful creature of nature could just walk to shore.
