April 16, 2024

That Really Bunches My Panties…by Brendon Marks


If an automotive engineer had designed the human body, I think we’d have some pretty handy features. For example, I hate it when I’m sunbathing and sweat runs down the sides of my face and fills up my ears. Then I have to turn on one side and then the other to dump it out. Wouldn’t it be great if our ears were adjustable like the side mirrors on a truck? We could turn them around so they served as awnings instead of funnels. Or if we didn’t want to listen to something we could fold them down flat–even tuck them in. But I draw the line at pressing my nose to adjust them.

Also, if our eyes had some of the features of headlights, life would be so much simpler. Maybe one of your children is a little cross-eyed; simply use a screwdriver to adjust the aim. Are your forty-year old eyes starting to get dim? Exchange those rascals for new ones–maybe even change the color or get a pair to improve your night vision.

Is your seat a little lumpy and starting to sag? This is your chance to get a smaller and firmer model–especially if you have to sit on it for long periods of time.

Are your arteries clogged? Pop the hood and fix the problem with a piece of hose and a couple of clamps.

The game of football would be ruined however; can you imagine replacing your air bag after every tackle?

Our bodies have four major ways to expel waste: exhaling, sweating, and the two that you thought of first. Why do we have so many? A car has only one, (unless you count the windshield washer). Of course, I don’t know where it would come out if I fed my car a roast beef sandwich. Which reminds me, what if there was a sign alongside our mouth that said, “Non-fat foods only,” and there was a little door inside that would not allow a regular potato chip to be inserted? Wouldn’t that be a pain? And another thing, what if we had to pass emission tests?

Remember how cars used to have a voice that said, “Door is ajar,” whenever a door was not completely closed? Now they’ve replaced it with a little “bing-bong” chime. How about if we got a reminder whenever we tried to leave the house with our fly unzipped? This idea would save lots of embarrassment, but would make for pretty noisy men’s rooms.

Or what if a buzzer went off every time we tried to engage in the sexual equivalent of driving without a seat belt? This one would have to have a cut-off switch. Most male models have few self-maintenance features beyond trimming nails and nose hairs. The female version has more, but basically the human body is not designed for home repair. I think it should have been considered. Why can’t we sit down with a socket wrench to bolt on a new foot or hip if the old one is giving us trouble? Aside from the obvious drawback of being mugged for spare parts, wouldn’t that be great?

Oh well–maybe in next year’s model.

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