February 27, 2024

The Government, Part Whatever, II


Our crack staff takes a look at the results of the delaying of the passing of a Farm Bill. In certain sections of the country, cattle are committing suicide by leaping off mountain edges onto oncoming traffic. Some animal psychologists are attributing the recent bovine headers to a depression brought on from misplaced guilt over transfat. Feeling responsible for the obesity rate in America and the rise of heart attacks and diabetes among young adults, cattle have taken to making themselves inedible by becoming road kill. At first they tried walking into traffic against the lights and not a crosswalks. Then they wandered aimlessly on narrow, curving roads. But too few were being struck by oncoming cars and trucks to make a difference at the fast food chains. Finally, it was up to Congress, out of a sense of decency, to outlaw trans-fats at drive-through  joints. Now cows can march to slaughter houses with peace of mind.

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