Astrology For The Weak…
CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16)
The wind may not be filling your sails as much as you’d like this month. Luckily, you are known as a blow-hard and can easily make up for the lacking breeze.
AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11)
Saturn edges into Sagittarius again this month, where it might prompt you to take a class. Be sure to enroll in “How to stop Saturn from edging into Sagittarius.”
PISCES (March 20 – April 18)
Your secret ambition to rule your world is becoming a much more attainable goal than you might have thought at first. Just remember, it’s only a video game.
ARIES (April 18 – May 13)
For the next two plus years you’ll be busy building a business, securing finances, and expanding earnings. Are you kidding me? You can’t get through tomorrow.
TAURUS (May 13 – June21)
Go out and celebrate this month. When the music stops, you’ll still be dancing. That may seem like fun at first, until you realize all the chairs have been taken.
GEMINI (June 21 – July 20)
It’s time to consolidate debts, organize payment plans, and get up to speed with your money goals. Fortunately, there is “ImaFinancialMess.com for Geminis.
CANCER (July 20 – August 10)
You’ll take a more detached view of relationships, critiquing positive points as well as faults. They’ll likely respond to positive points without the use of dog poo.
LEO (August 10 – September 16)
An unexpectedly warm and constructive social connection can happen this month. It can, but it won’t. You will be there to screw up any chance of that happening.
VIRGO (September 16 – October 30)
Everyone comes to you with their problems or to cry on your shoulder. They know you’ll listen without judgment. See how they react when the tell-all book arrives.
LIBRA (October 30 – November 23)
It might be time to find work that reflects your purpose in life. There should be openings for people who crawl through sewer pipes trying to rescue flushed fish.
SCORPIO (November 23 – November 29)
Saturn moves from your home sector to your pleasure and romance zone. This will bring you much pleasure for a second, as Saturn, like a mooch, moves back home.
OPHIUCHUS (November 29 – December 17)
You would probably be wise to spend this month taking care of chores and nagging errands that you’ve put off for quite some time. Start with personal hygiene.
SAGITTARIUS (December 17 – January 20
The feedback you get from the people around you could inspire you to make some life-changing decisions. “A Call For Kelp” may not be the best diet for you.
