August 18, 2018

Retiring in Sedona

You are asked to sign a “hold harmless” agreement before Boy Scouts help you cross the street. You pimped-out your golf cart with training wheels. Instead of “air guitar” you show off with “air harp.” You have to quit your arts and crafts class because the glue and paint are making you dizzy. Your idea of Trail Mix is a mixture of soy nuts, Tums, aspirin and dried prunes. You consult your psychic about removing one of your kidneys in hopes that you’ll have to pee less often. Hanging around a vortex seems to make your “senior moment” last for…

Interstate 17 and Oak Creek Rerouted

For the last several years now, the residents of Baja Sedona have begun displaying the same ability, or should I say inability, to come to terms with the road building schemes of their resident member of the Yavapai County Triumvirate as their neighbors to the north. Not to be outdone by the repeated demands of the citizens of Sedona, the Baja-Ha-Ha’s have discovered some truly innovative ways to upset the powers that be. It’s a dubious distinction that deserves a bit of a history lesson before we point out the recent errors committed by the hapless bandy-legged sots down on the south side. It…

Time Capsule Unearthed!

Pictured above is a trunk much like the one recently unearthed in Sedona, AZ. When uncovered, the finders expected they would be rewarded with gold and silver coins or rare gems. Could the trunk be filled with a pirate’s treasure? Maybe there would even be a hook or an eye patch–or feathers from a parrot that would perhaps identify its owner. Perchance there were religious artifacts from some ancient deity–brass chalices laced with rubies or crosses studded with emeralds. Imagine the fame and fortunes of discovering the Holy Grail–not Mary Magdalene, but the real McCoy. Whatever was inside this mysterious…

Sedona Senior Olympics

Four Meter Fall Down and Get Up Trials All-U-Can-Eat Light Breakfast Buffet Relay Lazy Boy Recliner Nap Off The Limbo Pole Low Jump Belly-Up-To-The-Bar Shotput Eating, Sleeping and Pill-Taking Triathalon Two Hour Let Your Fingers Do The Walking Phone-Off Back Yard Barbecue Skewer Toss Macarena Marathon Adjusting Your Truss vs. Adjusting Your Trust Bank Vaulting Backing Car Out Of Post Office Parking Lot Contest Hot Tub Water Polo Wine Tasting For Mixed Doubles Synchronized Wading Golf Cart Drag Racing Memory Marathon Jumping While High Automobile Directional Signal Turn-A-Thon Related posts: Sedona Vortex Experiences Retiring in Sedona Sedona Alien Party Cancelled…

The Gateway to Cornville

Sedona Excentric World staff members take a look at how the upper crust of Cornville lives. People from this rural area are known around the globe for their devil-may-care lifestyle, fancy-schmancy vehicles and weekly no-tie cocktail parties until the sun comes up or everyone passes out. Now, many Sedonans, disappointed and disillusioned by the once happening, hippy laden, New Age artist retirement colony, are leaving the city in droves to relocate to the land of the unpretentious party animals. “These people simply have not forgotten how to have a good time,” a bartender at the Page Springs Restaurant was overheard…

Headlines: The Year is 2029

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia’s third language. Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States. Baby conceived naturally . . . scientists stumped. Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage. Last remaining Jihadist dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq, Iran, Syria, Libya and Afghanistan). France pleads for global help after being overtaken by Jamaica. Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but…

Sedona Vortex Experiences

You go back in time to when Sedona was first discovered, but still forget to invest in real estate. You win the lottery and donate it all to a self-appointed guru claiming to be the second, or third, coming. You now belch fairy dust. You see UFOs flashing subliminal messages for Hummers. Your front lawn is now covered with grass crop circles. You now have the ability to communicate with rocks. Your inner child is acting up a lot more and needs a time-out. You developed a desire to eat low carb, “naturally,” foraging the woods for edible plants, lean…

Garnering the Sedona Vote

Candidates will promise almost anything to get elected. Below are some of the political favors offered to gain the confidence of Sedona’s voters: Sponsor weekly Oak Creek Brewery Nut Brown Ale keg parties at Airport Vortex with free parking Turn Fort Hyatt over to Indians and convert it to a casino Outlaw the construction of future timeshares unless they pay a bed tax plus impact fee Declare Cornville a Canadian province and allow the importation of pharmaceuticals for seniors Make Harmonic Convergence a national annual holiday Change Tlaquepaque’s name to A Sort Of Mexican Village Specialty Shops Hold a dedication…

Crossbreeding for Fun and Profit

Sedona Excentric World staff members take a look at yet another look at television shows being filmed in the Sedona area. This couple sent in their photograph to win acceptance in Rimrock Arizona’s version of “Trading Spouses.” Shown here are Louigie, the Chihuahua and Birdie, the young Orange Tabby. Louigie’s mate, Crystie, and Birdie’s Rocky, are off having their own photo shoot. After reading an article in the paper, shown in photo, asking for contestants to submit a photograph and biography on each applicant. While the previous “Trading Spouses, Meet Your New Mommy” television shows, broadcast on FOX, focused on…

Sedona Proposed Improvements

Fountains will be redesigned to spew sewer treatment water. Dry Creek Road will be renamed Sometimes Flooded Way. Capital Butte will become Bureaucrat Butt. Stutz Bearcat will soon be known as Kia Sedona. Steamboat Rock will begin to offer sunset dinner cruises. Bell Rock will be turned into a domed ice hockey stadium. Sugar Loaf will be downsized and reduced to Low Carb Butte. Courthouse Butte will be partitioned to the new City Hall. Snoopy Rock will be picked up for not wearing dog tags. The Two Nuns Formation will be questioned and released. Slide Rock will require “Slippery When…