September 27, 2023

Santa’s Xtreme Makeover!


SEDONA, AZ. “The Amazing Race,” “American Idol,” “The Apprentice,” “The Bachelor,” “Wife Swapping,” “Fear Factor,” “Last Comic Standing,” “Survivor,” “Trading Spaces” and “Extreme Makeover” are a few of the television shows replacing sitcoms as America’s prime-time viewing choices.

Capitalizing on the popularity of the sometimes racy, mostly inane shows and the viewing public’s obvious need for entertainment at par with bobbing for fugu, Santa Claus, the real one, not one of the department store imitators, has decided to shoot a reality show in the once rustic, tranquil Sedona, Arizona.

“Sedona, a city recently jolted by the onslaught of progress, is the perfect location for a reality-based television show,” stated Sir William Randolph, World Famous Publisher of the Sedona Excentric, at a hastily called press conference beneath the lights of a Red Rock Fantasy display at Los Abrigados Resort & Spa. “Meeting the qualification of going from beautiful swan to ugly, old duck, Sedona was chosen for a special edition of Extreme Makeover,” he continued.

Sir William Randolph, eccentric extraordinaire, is said to have contacted Santa Claus at his home in the North Pole on a recent global warming data gathering expedition. According to Sir William, “It was obvious Santa was going to have some extra time this Christmas, what with a bunch of people asking for world peace and he being unable to deliver. Plus, if you follow the market, more and more kids are requesting these computer games in place of toys. That has to significantly lighten Santa’s load.

“Have you people been reading about these face transplants? Talk about your ‘Outer Limits.’ I think the medical breakthrough is remarkable and severely burned patients may be able to have a living mold directly applied to their facial endodermis. As cool as that is, I can imagine criminals forcing doctors to alter their appearances. It could completely screw up the Post Office most-wanted bad guy posters.

“But I digress. Santa and I sat down with a hand-picked committee and made a list of all the extreme changes we were going to film being performed in and around Sedona city limits.”

The show starts in the Village of Oak Creek, at times called Sedona, but only for postal purposes. A makeover crew was brought in to replace the low-lying bridge at Red Rock Crossing, connecting the Village with Red Rock State Park, providing an alternate route for locals only. The bridge is guaranteed to be washed away by the next 50-year flood, pleasing the village people, while ignoring Sedona City Council input because the bridge area is county property and the city has no legitimate say-so anyway.

From there, they’ll head to Beaver Head Flat Road with blueprints for affordable housing. Sir William scoffed at Sedona’s idea of homes for the working class. “Providing a place for a family of two that needs to rake in fifty-grand a year to qualify isn’t going to get it. We’ve got federal government money, subsidized with county funds and private donations. We’ll sell the apartments rather than rent them. Government should never be a landlord. Since Sedona is scheduled to vote for their mayor next election time, a makeover the dynamic duo are proposing for the city is to divide it into precincts, ensuring equal representation. Currently, every council member can live on the same street, leaving open the temptation for a conflict of interest.”

Another drastic change involves the now-closed Cultural Park. Sir William plans to buy the park and adjacent 40 acres, where he will build a 400-room resort and convention center with a restaurant and a public park. Sir William’s connections with CEOs around the country could bring in assemblies of businesses the likes of IBM, GM and GE, as well as provide a location for seminars run by Depak Chopra and Doctor Phil.

Their last extreme makeover is perhaps their most controversial. To solve the traffic bottlenecking along State Route 179, Sir William and Santa have designed a plan to make Hwy. 89A in Oak Creek Canyon one-way to Flagstaff and return traffic from the north via Schnebly Hill Road, with a couple of connecting bridges for local traffic. A few alterations will be needed in Uptown Sedona to complete the loop, but they appear to be minor.

After finalizing the scene sequences for the Sedona Extreme Makeover show, Sir William and Santa hit the bar for hot toddies. A bevy of beautiful babes had gathered to sit on their laps and tell them what they wanted for Christmas. But that’s a different reality show.


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