February 27, 2024

Atlantis Actually Sedona


Pictured above is a replica of Noah’s ark, 450 feet long, 75 feet wide and 45 feet deep, equivalent to eight freight trains of 65 cars each. Last summer, businessman and Christian activist Daniel McGivern conducted a summer expedition to Mount Ararat in Turkey. The project, he said, would prove that the fabled Noah’s ark was buried there. At a news conference, McGivern presented satellite images that he claimed show a human-made object Noah’s ark nestled in the ice and snow, some of it in the mountain. He was wrong.

SEDONA, AZ. According to a new theory by some Swedish scientist, Atlantis, the legendary island nation over whose existence controversy has raged for thousands of years, was actually Ireland. Atlantis, the Greek philosopher Plato wrote in 360 B.C., was an island in the Atlantic Ocean where an advanced civilization developed 11,500 years ago until it was hit by a cataclysmic natural disaster and sank beneath the waves.

“That’s plain crap,” Sir William Randolph, World Famous Publisher of Excentric World, told the horde of reporters gathered at Raven’s Nest & Crimson Cliff’s Trading Post’s lot on Airport Road, heading for Sky Ranch Lodge.

“Atlantis was supposedly some 300 miles long and 200 miles wide. Sedona was similar in size and height when submerged under water,” Sir William continued. “They both have a central plain surrounded by mountains. The idea that Atlantis sank came from the fate of a great flood, much like the Noah flood in the Bible. It might have sank after being covered by a huge tidal wave over 4,000 years ago and then resurfaced as Sedona, only to be smacked by a broken chunk of Mars, our neighboring red planet. Archaeologists are here today looking for the evidence of Atlantis, Noah’s Ark and a glancing Mars collision.”

Sir William links the boundaries of the Atlantic Empire, as outlined by Plato, with the geographic distribution of megalithic monuments in Sedona, matching Atlantis’ temples with well-known burial sites at Palatki and Honanki, which could predate the pyramids, or not.

Previous theories about Atlantis have suggested it once may have been around the Bermuda Triangle or the Emerald Isle. Others locate it solely in Plato’s imagination. But Sir William Randolph consulted a local clairvoyant and, during a reading, was told he would soon make a great discovery that would put Sedona on the map and divert attention away from the recent rampant time-share developments.

“I find it odd that you could link Atlantis and Noah’s ark and Mars in the same story. Can you explain this further,” chimed up a reporter from Sedona’s small, other paper.

“I mentioned the psychic reading to a couple of friends and they suggested I meet with both the leaders from Sedona’s religious society, as well as the New Age guild,” Sir William stated.

An artistic rendition of the pier of Atlantis. The waterway, once stocked with rainbow trout, is believed to be Oak Creek.

“After a couple of weeks of question and answer sessions with members of both groups, I came to the realization that when Earth was flooded, Atlantis certainly would have been submerged, as was the entirety of the planet as we knew it. Ergo, since Noah would be floating around after loading a pair of javelina, certainly the last animals he would bring on board, he most likely found himself weighing anchor in the waters that would later become known as the great American Southwest.

The reporter pressed, “When the waters did recede, the ark landed in the region of Mount Ararat, near Turkey, according to the biblical account. How do you explain that?”

Sir William replied, “He may have drifted with the prevailing winds. According to the story told in chapter 7 of Genesis, Noah, his crew, and the animals lived together for more than 6 months before the floodwaters receded. You can go a long ways on the water in six months, sonny.”

“How does Mars fit into the picture?” asked some other reporter.

“I realize it’s your job as a member of the mainstream press to obfuscate the facts, but the truth is a hunk of Mars broke off, smacked into about where we are standing, bounced off and landed near Bryce and Zion. How do you think the red rocks got their color?” Sir William declared with his usual authority. “That’s also why there are so many similar physical and metaphysical properties between Sedona and Mars and why we are the official hub of Martian visitations.”

“So,” shouted some guy, “Are we to believe that you have received the blessings of the religious orders as well as the sanctions of the business leaders from Sedona?”

“Are you kidding? Promoting it was their idea,” shouted Sir William. “Everywhere I turned, someone or other was going on and on about supporting our community. At first, I thought for sure they were saying that we should be doing more to support the arks. It was not until much later that I discovered they were talking about supporting the arts. My fellow Sedonans, let it be said from now to the end of time we shall be known as the gifted ones from Atlantis. That means a boat-load of golf courses and no bowling alley. Thank goodness for Camp Verde.”


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