October 6, 2022

Big Isis Incarnate Contest


frontpic1march2013Pictured right is a sarcophagus from ancient Egypt. Many such artifacts have been touring the world in an exhibit of pharaohs from the pyramids. Archeologists continue to uncover treasures from the buried past of the Old Kingdom in Upper Egypt and along the Nile Delta, where Isis was known to have hung out. Isis, a goddess held in the highest esteem, has a history shrouded in mystery about marriage, death and the birth of a son that may she may or may not have bore, but raised to avoid a scandal. Hers is the life upon which shows like Desperate Housewives were based. Now, Sedona has decided to capitalize on Isis’ popularity and throw a giant party in her honor.

by Blodwyn Smythe,
Faux Egyptology Reporter

SEDONA, AZ:  While many national and international beauty pageants now offer scholarships as rewards, the 1st annual Big Isis Incarnate Contest in Sedona, Arizona will award the winner a month filled with Reiki sessions, tarot readings, vortex tours, an Isis tramp tat, milk and honey baths and a crystal scepter in place of the standard tiara. And rather than serving just one year, she (or he) would reign for all eternity, making the 1st annual Big Isis Incarnate Contest the one and only Big Isis Incarnate Contest.

As a winged goddess, Isis represents the wind. There are references to Isis wailing and moaning like a heavy breeze as she traveled up and down the land in search of Osiris, her lost husband. Upon finding his body, she takes the shape of a bird flapping and darting above him as she wails in mourning. She restores life to Osiris by filling his mouth and nose with air. This is where the first known practice of mouth to mouth resuscitation was recorded.

Word on the street is that Osiris and Isis were not only husband and wife, they were brother and sister, which later gave way to the future experience of Southern hospitality, followed by the Elmerville kissin’ cousins.

The original beauty pageants, way back when, were judged from pictures sent in to newspapers which were proudly published to increase readership and sales. While the Sedona Excentric is not beyond trying such stunts to increase advertising revenues, it would rather be known for its hard hitting journalism. Besides, with its Kozmik Korner and Astrology for the Weak columns, the Sedona Excentric already dedicates itself enough to the emerging New Age and metaphysical communities, albeit in a satirical and whimsical fashion.

Sedona’s Big Isis Incarnate Contest was held outdoors at Posse Grounds Park in West Sedona, a mystical, mountainous place with no shortage of goddesses and reincarnated queens, male and female. So, naturally, the contest was open to men and women.

The panel of judges consisted of local Sedona dignitaries: Gregg Lucky, a leader in the Sedona LGBT community; Bob Colony, Silversmith (highly experienced in heavy metals and a known Pleadian Commander); the Reverend Joel Boyd (sports enthusiast and the Sedona Minister of Marriage); and Sir William Randolph, World Famous Publisher of the Sedona Excentric. Obviously no females made the list to grace the judges table, but Sir William agreed to dress in drag to commemorate the occasion. After all, it was the first annual Big Isis Incarnate Contest. He wanted to make Sedona proud. Some say he looked like a hairy, slightly less attractive Carmen Miranda.

Event coordinators claimed that during rehearsals, many of the male Isis competitors could be heard screaming when their chest, arm and leg hair was waxed off their bodies. A few contestants withdrew from the contest when the bikini waxing began.

Due to a lack of interest from Sir William, the Personal Interview section of the contest was tossed out and replaced with an ancient hieroglyphics writing contest. It was rumored that some of those wall writers were so proficient that it paralleled the scribbling on their contestant applications.

The noisiest event of the pageant was the Heavy Metal Contest, which involved the women parading in copper, gold, bronze, silver and lead gowns, modeled after the modern day Evening Wear Competition. Much like in pageants owned and operated by The Donald, Donald Trump, judges rated the bevy of beauties on poise, smiles, hairstyles, the shine of their metal, the clanging timbre of the outfit and the amount of cleavage displayed.

Notably omitted from the Big Isis Incarnate Contest competition was the Lifestyles and Fitness in Swimsuit portion. Looking to avoid complaints from people living around the Posse Grounds Park who complain about everything from ballpark lighting to children playing to horny toads barking, the judges decided the swimsuit cat whistles would be too much for this whiny, anti-fun region of Sedona.

Above is a photo of one of the contest hopefuls for the Big Isis Incarnate Contest. At 6'3" other contestants looked up to her.

Above is a photo of one of the contest hopefuls for the Big Isis Incarnate Contest. At 6’3″ other contestants looked up to her.

The audience’s favorite competition was the Shaking of the Asps, billed as the talent portion of the contest. It involved each contestant slithering out of a basket and wriggling on the stage, swathed in mummy wrappings, to the music from a flute.

For the Onstage Question, each contestant was given the same interrogative: “What makes you the true one and only reincarnation of Isis?” Each gave it their best shot and all were equally sincere in their belief. Many claimed they just felt her spirit living inside them on a daily basis, guiding their every decision from what to eat and what to wear to who to associate with. This may also explain why others seem to go out of their way to avoid contact with them.

The most remarkable response came from a local woman who frequently travels to Egypt to revisit her Isis home, hangs out in pyramids for hours on end, lays around in sarcophaguses when no one is looking, considers herself a healer and dream interpreter and treats her husband like a servant.

The least remarkable, but most shocking, response came from a young man who divulged he had repeated nightly dreams of nursing Horus.
In honor of the popular event, attended by thousands and heralded by chamber attendants from the Verde Valley, a new restaurant is reportedly being opened (actually one being opened for the umpteenth time at this location) off SR89A in West Sedona and is to be named “Isis’ Tomb.”


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