June 1, 2023

Is That Soy Or Sow? by Brendon Marks


The other day I had an opportunity to try a sausage and mushroom vegetarian pizza. I’ve had true vegetarian pizza before, but none of them has ever had sausage on it. For non-vegetarians, I may need to tell you that sausage does not qualify as a vegetable, so the sausage has to be something else, spiced up to taste like sausage. I don’t know what, and chose not to investigate and spoil the enjoyment of the moment. It’s probably some soybean product. Vegetarians tend to use a lot of soybean stuff. Apparently it has no flavor of its own, and can pretty much take on the consistency of anything from soup to concrete, depending on how much water you add to it. Reportedly a good vegetarian chef can make a seven-course dinner out of a handful of soybeans and a large zucchini squash.

Now before all you vegetarians start sending letters to the editor complaining about my vegetarian bashing let me say that I have no beef with vegetarians just as you would have no beef with me.

Some of my best friends are vegetarians, well two are. There may be more than that, and I’m just not aware of the fact. It’s not real obvious, like being bald or something. The ones that I know of tend to be a little shorter than average, but I’m not sure that means anything either. It doesn’t mean that all vegetarians are short any more than it means that all short people are vegetarians. As far as I know both the vegetarians came from normal homes. One has a beard, the other doesn’t. One is male, the other not. One is laid-back, the other a little intense. One is a computer nut and the other hates them. But both have an excellent sense of humor; otherwise I wouldn’t be able to write this.

One trait they have in common is that neither of them tries to convert me. They don’t make retching noises whenever I bite into a juicy hamburger, maybe they just pretend it’s a Tofu burger or something.

The last time I went to lunch with Bill (not his real name) he steered me toward a salad bar buffet place, but I was able to adapt. I did notice a few strange looks though; apparently it’s not all that common for customers to take a soup bowl full of bacon bits and diced ham.

I wish more people were vegetarians. I know that if my four brothers were vegetarians there would have been a lot more bacon for me at the breakfast table. Yep, I would have liked that just fine.

In case of natural disasters I’d prefer to be surrounded by nothing but vegetarians, I’d never have that uneasy feeling about going to sleep when the supplies are running low.

And just for the vegetarians out there, let me tell you right now, a real sausage and mushroom pizza tastes a whole lot better than the vegetarian variety, but I guess you’ll just have to take my word for it.

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