August 21, 2017

That Really Bunches My Panties…by Brendon Marks

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After my “sleeping on the ground” experience my spouse and I decided to invest in one of those aluminum and plastic caps (or shells) that fits on the back of a pick-up. We thought we’d just throw a piece of foam rubber in the back, drive wherever we want, and crawl into the back to sleep. It’s a good theory. The problem is, wherever you can drive, somebody else can drive too, and if they can’t get there in a vehicle, they can on a dirt bike or ATV.

We finally found an area unattractive enough so that nobody else wanted to be there, and settled down for a good night’s sleep. We turned in just in time to listen to coyote choir practice for about two hours before finally dropping off to sleep.
About 2:00 AM we were abruptly awakened. The truck was rocking violently, and it was raining inside the shell! When I sat up and hit my head against the roof I discovered why it was raining. Condensation from our breath had collected on the cold aluminum and the shaking was dislodging the droplets.

That solved, I peered out one of the windows to determine what was causing the rocking. I discovered a huge Hereford bull that was scratching what must have been a powerful butt-itch, on the corner of the truck. Being a farm-boy, I knew how to handle this situation. I reached around the corner with my camping shovel, and with a strategic poke, persuaded him to leave with a look of considerable surprise on his face. The rest of the night was uneventful.

Undaunted, we tried again, this time near Lake Mohave. I believe “mohave” is an Indian word for “Big Mosquitoes, Dude”, but I’m not sure. Soon after we arrived at our campsite, I knew we were in trouble when I saw a very large swarm of mosquitoes flying in the shape of a great white shark. My spouse refuses to corroborate this fact.

We were forced to retreat to the safety of our shell when we discovered that we had accidentally purchased “ON!” attractant instead of “OFF!” repellent. We delighted in watching the mosquitoes dive bomb into the plastic windows, bounce off, and fly dizzily away rubbing their little heads. Our delight ended when we realized that they had abandoned the slippery plastic windows and were drilling right through the aluminum shell!

My camping shovel came to the rescue again. When they drilled through, I bent their little beaks over on the inside. This turned out to be a mistake. After clinching over about a dozen, their struggles to free themselves started shaking the truck so badly that I was afraid they would drag it away! I quickly unbolted the cap; they lifted it off and flew away. We jumped into the cab and got the heck out of there.

As we raced down the road we realized that a couple of them had gotten into the cab when we did and it was unclear as to which of us was trapped. In panic, I slammed on the brakes with the intent of a hasty exit when we stopped. I braked so hard that the air rushed forward, and the two mosquitoes, not having buckled up, both slammed against the windshield and died. Let that be a lesson to them.

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