October 18, 2017

From The Bottom…by Brendon Marks

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Someone said to me the other day, “Thank you from the bottom of my heart.”

I said, “You’re welcome, but what does that mean?”
“What does what mean? The bottom of your heart.”
“You know, it’s like thanks a lot, I really mean it.”
“Well, what if someone says ‘Thank you from the top of my heart.’ Is that better or worse?”
“But people don’t say that.”

“I know, but what if they did? Now to me, bottom has a negative connotation. People don’t say ‘Bottom of the morning to you.’ Showing your bottom to moon someone is an insult, but tipping your hat is a compliment. I think I’d rather have someone say top than bottom. And what about right, left, front, or back? Where does ‘Thank you from the front of my heart’ rank compared to top or bottom?”

“I don’t know.”
“Well, let’s take them one at a time; on a scale of one to ten, ten being the highest, where does ‘bottom’ rank?”
“That has to be a ten.”
“Okay, so bottom is the best, what about top?”
“That has to be a ten, too.”
“No, there can’t be two tens. One has to be better than the other.”
“Okay, nine.”
“Left?”
“Left what?”
“Try to keep up. Thank you from the left of my heart. Like ‘left ventricle’, where does that rank?”
“I don’t want to do this anymore.”

“I’ll make it easy for you. Suppose they say ‘Thank you from my heart.’ That includes the whole heart: top, bottom, left, right, front, and back. Is that better or worse than just bottom?

“Why are you doing this to me?”
“I’m just trying to understand why you said ‘thank you’ that way.”
“I take it back.”
“You can’t take it back, you already said it.”
“Well, then I amend it. Thank you from my liver.”
“I have a feeling that liver ranks a little lower than heart. Am I right?”
“Lower than kidney, just above bladder.”
“Thank you from my bladder. I can use that, but do you think anyone will get the connection?”
“Only if they’re as weird as you are.”

“There’s a distinct difference between ‘Thank you from my bladder’ and ‘My bladder thanks you’. At what point in the internal organ hierarchy does the ‘thank you’ turn from a true ‘thank you’ to a sarcastic ‘thank you’?”

“I don’t think anyone has established that hierarchy.”
“Don’t be so sure. I’ve heard of some government studies that are more incredible than that.”
Do you really think there’s a bunch of guys sitting around in lab coats, with a list of internal organs and the ‘thank you’ rating of each one?”
“Two lists: one for men, another for women.”
“And I suppose they would have optional entries, such as appendix, gall bladder, and others?”
“Absolutely.”

“In that case, ‘thank you from the bottom of my gall bladder’ would have special meaning, since it’s somewhere in New Jersey.”
“Still beats a spleen anytime.”

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