April 10, 2020

Who Was He Anyway?


An atheist is someone who has no invisible means of support. Buchan, 1875

Don’t look now but a hullabaloo is roiling the waters from Bangor, Maine to the Three Sisters Wilderness in Oregon. What it’s about is that Jesus may be on his way back. An Ohio lady reported that the face of Jesus appeared when she was cooking Polish dumplings for Easter dinner. First she froze it, and then she sold it.

There’s the problem, because no one knows what to expect: A fire-and-brimstone fundamentalist predicting the rapture, or the carpenter who taught love, tolerance, charity and humility.

Fortunately, no one has raised the rent at the Pink Nectar Cafe on the outskirts of Greater Sedona–a vivid exception to the rule of late. So the subterranean crystal conference room seemed to be the ideal location to resolve the impasse as it is not covered by any City ordinance.

When word got out, potential speakers offered their services. First to volunteer was a Mr. Fry, known for his view that a halo is one more thing to keep clean. Then emerged a man who claimed to be a Puritan and told Pink Nectar gurus that he was consumed by the haunting fear that someone somewhere might be having a good time.

The line of speakers was as long as a lying politician’s nose: an ex-missionary from the Philippines, a defrocked nun from Boston, a would-be Bishop and someone by the name of Beelzebub who claimed to have been a bartender at the Wrenwood Cafe before he enrolled in a theological school. But he had lacked proper identification.

Also anxious to speak were two agnostics, a born-over atheist and a recovering Druid.

After several rounds of the life-giving Pink Nectar, processed from secret wells in the Big Chino Valley, the facilitator for the event appeared–a WASPish-looking, beak-nosed, red-headed ex-debutante from somewhere north of Memphis–that was what she said anyway. Whatever, she was smart enough to lay down some boundaries. No outbursts would be permitted. Anyone who broke that rule would be banned from frequent flier UFO trips to Cabo–forever, which is a long time.

To avoid such outbursts, she facilitated a form that all present had to fill out with their version of who Jesus truly was. They were given one hour, after which dialogue would ensue. Here follows the findings that she read to the motley crew gathered for the occasion.

Proofs that Jesus was a Puerto Rican:

1. His first name was Jesus
2. He was bilingual
3. Was constantly harassed by the authorities

Proofs that Jesus was African:

1. He called everybody brother
2. He liked Gospel
3. He couldn’t get a fair trial

Proofs that Jesus was Jewish:

1) He went into his father’s business
2) He lived at home until he was 33
3) He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure that he was

Proofs that Jesus was Italian:

1) He talked with his hands
2) He had wine with every meal
3) He worked in the building trades

Proofs that Jesus was a Californian:

1) He never cut his hair
2) He walked around barefoot
3) He started a new Religion

Proofs that Jesus was Irish:

1) He never got married
2) He was always telling stories
3) He loved hanging out in green pastures

At that point, the facilitator smiled. She announced that, by far, the most frequently offered version of the truth behind the existence of The Chosen One was that Jesus was a woman.

“How did that happen?” inquired a former vestryman. “The fix must be in.”

Her reply:

Proofs that Jesus was a woman:

1. A crowd had to be fed at a moment’s notice
2. Someone had to keep trying to get a message across to men who just didn’t get it
3. Even after death, there was work to do, resulting in a resurrection.

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