June 1, 2023

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One needs to take special precautions when asking to have your back scratched. Here are a few simple and easy rules to follow. 1) Never, ever approach a stranger and request they lay their hands on any part of your body. If necessary, just scratch yourself, even when in public. If it is a body part that you can’t reach that itches, find the nearest tree or building corner. 2) When having your itch scratched, try to avoid groaning with pleasure or hollering with excitement like Meg Ryan during her orgasm scene in When Harry Met Sally. People tend to read more into something they observe and don’t understand or can be immediately determined, especially law enforcement these days. 3) This may prove one of the most important rules. Do not, under any conditions, take a double dare and climb into a wild animal cage – no matter how pretty the animal may be or how many times you watched Wild Kingdom with your grandparents or National Geographic with your own kids. While the Nissan Leaf commercial featuring a grateful polar bear may be cute and certainly seems innocent enough, in real life that huge animal is a carnivore without a discriminating palate. Before seeking a helping hand to scratch that itch, look around for a friendly tree.

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