July 16, 2018

Hair Removal For Beginners, from a friend of a facebook friend

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My night began as any normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner and play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: ‘Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.’ So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.

It was one of those ‘cold wax’ kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No mess, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I’m not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them, my genius kicks in and I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. (‘Cold wax,’ yeah, right).

I lay the strip across my thigh, hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! Okay, so it wasn’t the best feeling, but it wasn’t too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-Rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extra ordinaire. With my next wax strip I move north after checking on the kids, I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip).

I inhale deeply and brace myself…Rip! Oh My Gawd! I notice that I’ve only managed to pull off half the strip. Crap! Another deep breath and RIP! Everything is spinning and spotted. I think I may pass out. Breathe, breathe. Okay, back to normal. I want to see my trophy – a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I hold up the strip – where is the hair? Where is the wax? Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair that should be on the strip…it’s not! I touch. I am touching wax! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.

Then I make the next bg mistake…remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut. I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself ‘Please don’t let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off! ‘What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax! I’ll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off. Wrong! I get in the tub – the water is slightly hotter than that used to sterilize surgical equipment – I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub in scalding hot water, which, by the way, doesn’t melt wax. So, now I’m stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It’s a very good conversation starter ‘So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!’ There is a slight pause. She doesn’t know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located. She’s laughing out loud now…I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. Yeah Right!

I should be the joke of someone else’s night. While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I’m pretty sure I’m going to need PTS counseling. My friend is still talking with me when I see my saving grace….the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and…Oh My Gawd! It’s sooo painful, but I really don’t care. It works!’

I get a hearty congrats from my friend as she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair…the hair is still here…all of it! So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I’m numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I’m going to try hair color…

French-Bikini-Wax

 

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