June 20, 2018

More Embarrassing Medical Exams…

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Those of us who spend much time in a doctor’s office should appreciate this! It seems more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line.

Here’s what happened to Kevin: Kevin walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Kevin said: ‘Shingles.’ So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse’s aide came out and asked Kevin what he had.
Kevin said, ‘Shingles.’ So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Kevin to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, ‘Shingles..’ So the nurse gave Kevin a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Kevin to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and found Kevin sitting patiently in the nude and asked Kevin what he had.
Kevin said, ‘Shingles.’ The doctor asked, ‘Where?’
Kevin said, ‘Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload ’em??’

As a new MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my unease, I unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. On one occasion, a middle-aged lady upon whom I am performing an exam suddenly bursts out laughing. I look up from my work and sheepishly say, “I’m sorry. Was I tickling you?” With tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard, she replies, “Not at all, Doctor. But you were whistling ‘I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener’. In the future, you might want to change that tune.”

A young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos and wearing strange clothing, enters the emergency room. We quickly determine that she has acute appendicitis, so we schedule her for immediate surgery. When she’s completely disrobed and on the operating table, we notice that her pubic hair has been dyed green and above it is a tattoo that reads, “Keep off the grass.” Once the surgery was completed, I write a short note on the patient’s dressing, which says “Sorry. We had to mow the lawn.”

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