The Barely Mobile Homes
The next time you come up behind one of those lumbering giants called an RV on the road between Wickenburg and Wikieup here are some things to think about as you crawl along, waiting for the next passing zone. Did you ever notice that you never catch up to one when the road is straight and flat? It’s always when the road is so steep and crooked that you can almost read your own back license plate, and the passing zones contain only two dashes. You creep up, trying not to think about dodging the avalanche of aluminum folding chairs…
The Joy of Easter?
Our crack staff takes a look at the celebration of Easter. Like many holidays that started out as Pagan rituals then turned into Holy Days and then were hijacked by corporations, Easter is currently known in the United States for egg hunts, candy-filled baskets, lilies, cards and visits with a giant bunny. The word Easter is derived from another language meaning Passover. Jesus’ crucifixion and resurrection occurred after he went to Jerusalem to celebrate Passover (or Pesach in Hebrew), the Jewish festival commemorating the ancient Israelites’ exodus from slavery in Egypt. Somehow, between then and now, marshmallow chicks, jelly beans…
GAY SEDONA OLYMPIC GAMES?
Pictured is an Olympian of games past. While normally a head is required to compete in such grueling sporting trials, it is clear from the picture that it is not necessary. This athlete shows her prowess and power while performing some kind of jump during her gymnastic event. Since the Gay Sedona Olympic Games will be held outdoors, such exploits will not be observed. While this photo may encourage some people to ask where her head is, recent activities by the state of Arizona legislature, has a great many people, not only in Arizona, but around the country asking where the…
The Color Of Red (Or Purple) . . . by Joel Mann
One of the least understood aspects of wine, even by industry professionals, is the science of wine color. Whether it’s the crystal clear of a light white wine, the pale garnet of Burgundy, or the inky dark of Petite Sirah, the physics behind wine color are not straightforward, and often confusing without an understanding of biochemistry. I want to give a few ABC’s on wine color. I’ll try to keep the advanced chemistry to a minimum. One aspect of wine color that novices don’t understand is that for the most part wine color comes from the grape’s skin. It’s the…
No News From Doodlebug Island
The Doodlebug Island Philosopher’s Society meets more or less monthly in a back room of whatever hotel, tavern, or business from which their rancorous disputes haven’t gotten them barred, so, over time, their circumstances have been reduced to less conducive places, and the meetings themselves occur somewhat sporadically. Festivities this month took place in Mildred’s Hair Salon amid dryers and styling paraphernalia. But, strangely, it was reported to be the most peaceful and decorous on record! Why, it might have been thought to have been a gathering of Quaker Friends, for in the face of normal threats of violence and…
Welcome The Cypress Queen
Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. Lily Tomlin (1939 – ) “Day dies into night,” wrote the great Tertullian “and is everywhere buried in darkness…and yet again it revives, with its own beauty, its own dowry, the same as before, whole and unimpaired.” Is that a fair description of Sedona? Perhaps one day that was true about residents as well as landscape. But it would be irresponsibly misleading to declare that today. Day after day more and more land is being impaired by ‘dozers; more of the blessed Verde River is heading for dry sections; and…
Proper Pet Care
SHHHH! Buck is asleep. Just before he passed out from eating too much barbecue, I heard him say he had to write a column for the paper. So, as his true best friend, I’m pitching in to help out. Allow me to introduce myself. I’m “Buckshot,” Buck’s cat and our lesson for today is proper pet care. If anybody knows how pets should be cared for, it’s me! You’re probably wondering how a cat can write this. I do everything with Buck. Everywhere he goes, I go. Everything he does, I watch. (Don’t’ get the crazy idea that I do…
Lawn Maintenance
This chapter in my “How-to” book discusses the establishment and maintenance of a traditional lawn. Assuming that you’re starting from nothing, establishing a new lawn is a monumental task. Just mentioning the fact in casual conversation with your friends will cause them to scatter like a covey of quail, especially those that own a pick-up truck or trailer. The fact that you are considering a lawn is proof that you’ve never done it before, and therefore, have no idea what you’re doing. This is a deadly combination, and no amount of free beer will overcome the handicap. For the purpose…
STATE OF THE ONION ADDRESS
Pictured is a mug shot of James Traficant, the former Ohio congressman booked at the Summit County, Ohio jail in July 2002. You were most likely expecting someone famous, like Justin Beiber. We, at the Excentric, don’t go for that kind of sensationalism – using a celebrity’s misguided adventure for our gain. So, instead, we picked a mug shot of just one among a slew of disgraced politicians. It was also agreed upon that the picture be of someone who possesses a limited ability to retaliate. Coming in a close second was Rush Limbaugh, who, like others was arrested on…
No News from Doodlebug Island . . . by William F. Jordan
Christmas on Doodlebug Island got off to a promising start this year when Gustave Fleming began decorating his store—Gustave’s Candy Kitchen—with lights, ribbons, ornaments, figures, tinsel, and wreathes in honor of the season. No religious recognition this! All was fantasy, and his plan was that he would be the center of it! He looked forward to the day before Christmas when he would sit ensconced in a wicker chair surrounded by figures of elves and gnomes, dispensing candy canes and other confections to passers-by and ho-hoing in tones loud enough to be heard a block away. He rather figured that…
Italian Bubbles . . . by Joel Mann, Staff Wine Tasting Guy
The holiday months from Halloween through Valentine’s Day and to a lesser extent Easter are prime seasons for sparkling wines. The last few years have witnessed the rise in popularity of one sparkler in particular, Italian Prosecco. The combination of improved quality, value for the price, and savvy marketing have positioned this wine style as the latest trend in many consumers drinking choices. So to toast a new year, I’ll delve a little deeper into the world of Prosecco. Prosecco hails from the Trieste region of Italy in the far northeast of the country along the Alpine borders of Austria…
Neighbors & Other Ironies, by Bishop
The supreme irony of life is that hardly anyone gets out of it alive. – Robert Heinlein Now we know, with John Keats that there is no point in waiting for warm days, now comes a dose of reality as the New Year dawns. Don’t look now, gentle reader, but you, we, every Tom Dick and Harry are knee deep in irony, otherwise called incongruities. Consider the principal threats to a healthy community, namely our own. Some say it’s the tree huggers, others cite liberals or Tea party strategists, or ex- Stalinists or uninformed, vision-less mayors. Truth be known the…
Tools . . . by Joseph G. Evrard, Staff Kentuckian
Sooner or later any bunch of guys hanging around together will get to talking about tools.Tools are one of the great defining essences of Guy-ness. Just as Gals are defined by cosmetics, clothing, soap operas, and babies, Guys are defined by cars and trucks and sports and TOOLS. I was in the new Ace hardware store the other day and saw a perfect demonstration of this. Up by the cash register was a bevy of gals oohing and aahing over a new baby some woman had brought in to show off. At the same time, back in the rental department…
LOCAL VOWS TO END STUPID!
Pictured is a man defending his right to the First Amendment of the U.S. Constitution. While no one denied his right – it was in published after all – the television station who suspended him was denied their right to freely hire and fire. Besides the “bestiality” reference; he said about blacks in the Jim Crow lynching party era, “Pre-entitlement, pre-welfare, you say: Were they happy? They were godly; they were happy; no one was singing the blues.” Makes one wonder why there isn’t a reality show called “Cotton Pickin’ Dynasty” starring a rich, singing, happy, black family from Jim Crow’s…
No News from Doodlebug Island . . . by William F. Jordan
“Now, you stay with the car, dear, and do stop mumbling. I’m not listening to you, but people passing by will want to hear you speaking up brightly as if you had something interesting to say. I’ll just be a few minutes in the bookstore; then you can drive me to the dry cleaners, grocery, and to my sister’s house for lunch. And do sit up, dear, people dislike seeing someone slouched down at the wheel. It conveys an attitude of sloth or the possible after effects of drink. Ta ta!” Already seated rigidly upright and braced in the family’s…
Aunt Edna’s Best Rum Cookies Ever, by popular demnad
The Excentric continues its tradition of publishing Aunt Edna’s Best Rum Cookies Ever! She originally submitted this recipe in 1991. For years it has been written in near its original form. Here’s what you’ll need: 1 or 2 quarts Rum 1 stick butter 1 cup sugar 2 large eggs ¼ cup brown sugar 1 cup dried fruit ¼ cup chopped nuts 1 tsp baking powder 1 tsp baking soda 1 tsp lemon juice Before you start, sample the Rum to check for quality. Now go ahead. Select a large mixing bowl, measuring spoons and cup, mixer and un-greased baking sheet,…
Heavy Dose of Notoriety
Snow was gently mantling the pines and oak trees of Doodlebug Island when I returned recently from Washington, D.C. The icy water of Oak Creek murmured a gentle welcome as it made its way through the salt grass and holly bushes lining the banks. Nothing seemed to intrude on the quiet, peaceful reverence that gathered in the glades and rocky outcrops. “Home, at last!” I thought with happy contemplation, “And may the devil take me if either fame or notoriety is ever welcome at my door again!” For it was at the behest of those lusty twins that I had…
Are Political Labels Extinct?. . . By Bishop, Home For The Holidays Reporter
In politics absurdity is not a handicap – Napoleon In his cups, Doug Rigby, an author in Sedona’s early days, before all the experts in planning and parking arrived, loved to talk. In particular, he loved to tell visitors at the Rainbow Inn saloon that Earth, with all its wars, tyrants, dictators, half-wit politicians, crooks and gamblers, battle-hungry generals was here for the simple reason that the Gods needed something to amuse them, so easily bored they get, from time to time. Indeed, with all the cutting and running nowadays in Washington where Nixon, a conservative, is now being as…
Typical Excentric Reader
This month’s typical Excentric Reader Ernie, (last name withheld for reasons unknown) who lives in the Village of Oak Creek, some nine miles south of Sedona. He sent this picture of the Atomium structure while vacationing in Brussels, Belgium. The Atomium was constructed as an exhibition for the 1958 Worlds Exposition. Ernie was at that original Exposition and recently decided to return for a visit some 55 years later. It was still there – an amazing sight! Especially from the windows at the uppermost sphere. Ernie always takes his favorite newspaper on his trips to keep up with important happenings…
A Holiday Survivor by Brendon Marks
Well, I survived another holiday shopping season. Each year I am more convinced than ever that it will be my last. Somehow, some way, I am sure that I will die of an overdose of holiday-ness. As each year passes, the odds increase dramatically, and yet I take no special joy in the fact I may be proven correct. When a man wakes up on December 15th it is comparable to waking up in the center of a minefield with a 300-foot radius. He has two chances of escaping without suffering death or bodily injury. slim and none. In the…
