October 21, 2018

No News from Doodlebug Island . . . by William F. Jordan

That part of my business dealing with the publication of romance novels, biographies, autobiographies, memoirs, or family histories had been inordinately slow for so long I had begun to fear it would lead to the loss of my ability to exaggerate, embroider, lie fancifully, or invent outlandishly. At that very moment, the Reverend Wilkens stopped by to inquire whether or not I would publish his life story on which he’d been working for some time. I told him I’d consider it. The next day he returned with a many-page manuscript, written in cursive and held together with spring clips—BIG spring…

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Typical Excentric Reader

This month’s typical Excentric Reader is Joan Bowen of Cornville, AZ. Joan took a liking to last month’s cover story, as it had the bones of a king dug up in a church driveway in Leicester (pronounced Lester), England. Joan was born, grew up and worked in Leicester near that very church. Her current husband first thought the bones to be those of a previous suitor of Joan’s. DNA tests proved him wrong, but not before he left a note declaring that if he was to go missing, to dig up their driveway and garage. Related posts: Typical Excentric Reader…

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Will There Be Bookstores On Mars? . . . By Bishop,

“The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the fundamental emotion which stands at the cradle of all true art” –Albert Einstein “It is not what people know that worries me; it is what they know that’s wrong” –Will Rogers It is any wonder that more and more folks gladly avoid reading or watching the news. Day after day, they avoid learning that glaciers are melting, wolves are back, America is at war, repeatedly, the Verde River may not be flowing much longer, and Arizona’s tough new governor hopes to spend more money on prisons than…

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QUESTIONS? . . . by Joseph G. Evrard, Staff Kentuckian

Where do worms go in the winter? Do they migrate? Have you ever seen a worm out on the highway hitching a ride south? What happens when the ground freezes? Do the worms freeze? Maybe they have little underground dens with fireplaces where they burn grass (logs would be too heavy) to keep warm while they munch on mud pies. Maybe they even have little television sets so they can watch the Super Bowl. I’ll bet they pay close attention to how badly the playing field gets torn up during the course of the game. When they want a really…

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That Really Bunches My Panties . . . by Brendon Marks

“What the heck happened to my sofa?” was all Rick could ask. The fabric and stuffing were completely removed from one arm and all that remained was the wooden frame. Now it was war! Rick and his family were attempting to make a weekend getaway place in the high desert between Flagstaff and Williams, Arizona. They bought a piece of land well off the beaten path and spent their weekends escaping the Phoenix heat while making a place to relax and enjoy themselves. The trouble is, Rick spent two or three days a week trying to establish a toehold in…

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NEW LAWS AND RULES FOR 2015?

Pictured is the poster child for No Comb-over billboards to be placed around the country. People should not be exposed to these sights, resulting in a plethora of flash mob gatherings singing songs from the love rock musical “Hair” and, in some extreme cases, people shaving their heads and eyebrows. Even though someone with this hairstyle may actually run for the highest office in the land, one of the new laws would prohibit them along with facial tattoos, excessive eyelid piercings, collagen lip inflations, or earlobe hole stretching, unless, of course, it’s a tribal custom, in which case – never…

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The Andalusian Horse . . . by Joel Mann, Staff Wine (And Beer) Tasting Guy

The image that comes to mind for many Americans when you say Madeira, Marsala, or Sherry is a bottle of cheap, sweet wine tucked away in a corner of the liquor department that you buy for occasional use when mushrooms, chicken, or some other such food needs a sauce or marinade. Each of these wines though is a distinct beverage with a traditional home. Each has a pedigree from the everyday to the elegant premium. The wine I want to examine this month is Sherry, a fortified beverage from Andalusian Spain. The word Sherry is actually the anglicized version of…

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No News from Doodlebug Island . . . by William F. Jordan

Those of us who edit newspapers in the Sedona area meet several times each year, not so much to form editorial bonds as to reassure ourselves that what we’re doing is important to a free and democratic society, and that journalistic triage is available should the wounds of battle prove amenable. Naturally, there is an abundance of kidding. At the last meeting, for example, someone brought up the question of complaints, saying his reason for doing so was to laud the manner in which Charlie Huffington, editor of the Sedona Whisper, deals with them. Now, complaints are the bane of…

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Typical Excentric Reader…

This month’s typical Excentric Readers are, from left to right, Nancy Welbaum, Amy Gray and Rita Rusch (The Party Sisters), with cousins Joellen and T.C. Brown. They are shown reading copies of their favorite paper, namely the Sedona Excentric, while working at this year’s Festival of the Superstitions in Apache Junction, AZ. Judging by the way each is posed with their copy, T.C. seems to be the most literate among them, as he realizes that with satire, you must read between the lines. Thanks, Rita. Related posts: Typical Excentric Reader Typical Excentric Reader Excentric Reader Rita Rusch Typical Excentric Reader

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Bombarded By Junk . . . By Bishop, Excentric Dumpster Devil

We are never deceived; we deceive ourselves —-Goethe All sorts of records are being set these days in sports, in finance, and for endless flatulent political bum fog. However, one record being set this year, as Christmas fades into memories is nothing to be amused at. Each of us will have received almost 560 pieces of junk mail out of 38 billion sent, and an average of 54 catalogues out of 14 billion mailed (an average of 54 per American) and 38 billion pieces of junk mail, and I bet you even receive more! Altogether, that’s 4.5 million tons of…

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So, You Know Your Nuts? . . . by Joseph G. Evrard, Staff Kentuckian

Well, they’re finally gone! It took three days of round-the-clock work, two front-end loaders and numerous dump truck loads to get rid of the stupid things! What, you might ask, did I get rid of? Nutshells. That’s right – nutshells. You see, around the holidays, my wife gets a bit nutty. She comes home from the store with huge bags of walnuts, Brazil nuts, filberts, pecans, and almonds. She sets up her “nutting” area with the precision of a surgical nurse laying out instruments for a brain transplant – main nutcracker here, secondary nutcrackers there, nut picks over here, the…

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That Really Bunches My Panties . . . by Brendon Marks

A friend showed me a message printed near the bottom edge on the back of a record album jacket: “This Columbia GUARANTEED HIGH FIDELITY recording is scientifically designed to play with the highest quality of reproduction on the phonograph of your choice, new or old. If you are the owner of a new stereophonic system, this record will play with even more brilliant true-to-life fidelity. In short, you can purchase this record with no fear of its becoming obsolete in the future.” I’d like to speak to someone about that. I will admit that at one time you might have…

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SIR WILLIAM HEIR TO THRONE?

Pictured are dem bones, dem bones of King Richard III, the 15th century monarch immortalized in one Shakespeare’s greatest plays. King Richard III reigned from 1483 to 1485. He died in battle in the Battle of Bosworth Field, the final battle in the War of Roses. According the the Bard of Avon, William Shalespeare, Richard was born a deformed hunchback (in actuality, he had scoliosis) and he’s got no love life to speak of. The DNA results proving his identity, also confirmed that he may have been blond-haired and blue-eyed. If that were the case, he would be the first…

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The Puttonyo . . . by Joel Mann, Staff Wine (And Beer) Tasting Guy

Many people tend to shun dessert wines as they’re usually intensely sweet and often forbiddingly expensive. A well made dessert wine is truly an otherworldly experience though. Yes, they’re exceptionally sweet, but surprisingly never cloying. A good dessert wine has an equally concentrated acidity that offsets the sugariness, making it light and refreshing. And the strong aromas and flavors of many dessert wines are just heavenly to any hardcore foodie. Plus, the cold winter months are often the best time to splurge a little on the higher price and enjoy such a treat. This month, I wanted to delve a…

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No News from Doodlebug Island . . . by William F. Jordan

Dr. Harold Waters, recently retired from the University of Doodlebug History Department, had been a popular professor whose lectures on Egyptian and Middle East history were well attended, and whose books on that region had been selected as textbooks by a goodly number of other colleges. Now, retirement was about the last thing I would have predicted would suit the good doctor; his was a restless nature, more used to field trips to ancient places of interest, and seminars dealing with historical topics. It was my hunch that the idea of staying home largely unoccupied would appeal to him on…

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Typical Excentric Reader

This month’s typical Excentric Reader is Tom Buroojy, our favorite Typical Excentric Reader. Tom sent is this picture a while back while he was preparing for street parade of some sort. he couldn’t recall is it was Labor Day or Independence Day. It most certainly wasn’t Thanksgiving Day, although he did watch that parade on television. Tom showed up before the rest of the crowd and relaxed with his favorite paper, the Sedona Excentric. We want to thank Tom for his continued support through the years. Related posts: Typical Excentric Reader . . . Typical Excentric Reader Typical Excentric Reader…

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AUNT EDNA’S BEST RUM COOKIES EVER!

The Excentric continues its tradition of publishing Aunt Edna’s Best Rum Cookies Ever! She originally submitted this recipe in 1991. For years it has been written in near its original form. Here’s what you’ll need: 1 or 2 quarts Rum 1 stick butter 1 cup sugar 2 large eggs ¼ cup brown sugar 1 cup dried fruit ¼ cup chopped nuts 1 tsp baking powder 1 tsp baking soda 1 tsp lemon juice Before you start, sample the Rum to check for quality. Now go ahead. Select a large mixing bowl, measuring spoons and cup, mixer and un-greased baking sheet,…

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Good News And Bad News – Telling The Dissimilarity. . . By Bishop, Unusual Excentric Seer

All that is human must retrograde if it does not advance… Edward Gibbon Rumor has it that a Reinast toothbrush sells for $4200 versus a $2 dollar brush at any Walgreens. Which, gentle reader, points out the runaway conspicuous consumption disease sweeping across our land, faster even that glaciers are melting in the Yukon. Weep not that due to the disappearance of first rate reportage, good news has essentially vanished from once legendary press and TV outlets, replaced with pretty visitors from somewhere far away where witlessness is celebrated and mediocrity quipped, Beerbohm can always be trusted to be at…

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So You Think You Know Christmas . . . by Joseph G. Evrard

Those of us who’ve been around for a few Christmases think we’ve seen a thing or two and think we know a lot about this most popular of celebrations. Well, if you’re like me, you’ll be surprised to learn some things about Christmas that I’ve turned up in my “great world-wide Christmas fact search.” Santa doesn’t use reindeer all over the world. That’s right. The “Right Jolly Old Elf” uses different forms of transportation depending where he is. In our part of the world, as well as in most of Europe, the reindeer get their workout. In China, he travels…

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That Really Bunches My Panties . . . by Brendon Marks

Have you ever noticed there are certain types of people you just naturally don’t trust? Very near the top of my list is the group who doesn’t drink coffee. To begin with, what do you call these people? You can’t call them “non-coffee drinkers,” because that only suggests that they drink something that’s not coffee, not that they don’t drink coffee. You can’t call them “coffee non-drinkers,” because that implies that they are non-drinkers, and they are coffees, like “teen-age non-drinkers,” which only exist in your imagination, or if you have grandchildren. This is typical of the English language. We…

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