August 20, 2018

The First 100 Days . . . by Will Durst

As extraordinary as it sounds, Donald J. Trump is now the 45th President of the United States. Which is mind- boggling. Like making John Goodman the cover model for this year’s Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. Kim Kardashian- appointed chief scientist at the Atomic Energy Lab. Colin Kaepernick in charge of WikiLeaks. The liberals’ last best hopes were dashed on Inauguration Day when the Mango Mussolini put his hand on the Bible and didn’t burst into flames. The preacher said the rain that started to fall as DJT took the oath was a good omen in the Bible. Yeah, tell that…

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The Bright Sides of a Donald J. Trump presidency

Well. That happened. Donald J. Trump didn’t just perplex the pundits, pollsters and his own progeny with a stunning electoral pummeling of Hillary Clinton, he pelted them with showbiz shock and awe. It was a wake- up call that surely rolled Beethoven, who was deaf, and is now dead. The new shot heard round the world. Planet- wide, liberals are slashing wrists and bashing brains and gnashing teeth and curled in a fetal position begging for their blue banky. The city of San Francisco is working through the five stages of grief but it’s going to take a while, because…

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Crash & Burn . . . Repeat

We might as well be watching a 30- car pile- up the way Americans are holding hands over their eyes trying to avoid the grisly bits of the most grotesque presidential race we have witnessed in this, the second decade of the 21st Century. Of course, it’s only the 2nd election during that time, but still. That is not to say 2012 wasn’t genuinely gruesome with more than its share of cataclysmic collisions and demolition derby debacles but this time they’re headed downhill faster than an 18- wheeler with burned out brakes carrying a load of nitroglycerine on the western…

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The American People . . . by Will Durst

So the conventions are over and we’ve entered the penultimate stage of this presidential demolition derby and your muted murmurs of “yippee” and “hooray” have been duly noted. That’s enough, put the horns away, this is not an overly large celebration. It took a year and a half, but the presidential field has winnowed down to the major political parties’ two anointed nominees: the Donald and the Hillary. Let us pray. And more polarizing figures could not be found with the superconducting magnet at the Large Hadron Collider in Geneva. Thus far the process has been everything but pretty or…

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Venison Jerky . . . by Will Durst

If the goal is to cause both sides of the political spectrum to quiver and twitch and shiver and shake like a raccoon clinging to the outside of a cement mixer speeding through a railroad yard, just casually throw out the term, “gun control,” and step back. The left considers all guns the reprehensible tool of warriors, criminals and primitives, while in most of red state America, the definition of gun control is using two hands and hitting the target. Then some addled- brained, flippo- unit actually uses those techniques to take out a bunch of innocent people, and the…

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Wrecked Rectitude . . . by Will Durst

Get out the big black Sharpie and pull down the official Presidential Campaign Manual because its time to redact the rules. Reality television star Donald Trump has altered the way politics is played to an extent that is game- changing. Judged on a scale of one to ten, think somewhere in the mid five figures. First off, candidates no longer have to worry about looking ridiculous. Actual clowns are now allowed to emerge from the clown car. Opportunism is in, while rationality has been swept off the table, along with class, integrity, decorum, common human decency and hygiene. Two, shooting…

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Anchor Baby Battle by Will Durst

Prepare for earth shattering news. Immigration has become a key issue in the race for the Republican nomination. Yes. Again. It’s what folks in the garden industry call a perennial. Or rather, biennial, as it happens like clockwork every year ending in an even number. As predictable as fruit flies in the dumpster behind a produce store on garbage day. Every election cycle, the GOP energizes its base by sounding the newcomer alarm. This proud honored American tradition dates back to the Iroquois, “Can’t let those damn Europeans in, they’ll ruin everything.” Donald Trump dominated the early rounds of the…

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Who Would Want This Job? by Will Durst

It’s like a train wreck. Fascinating, repellant, and loud: all at the same time. Talking about the American presidential sweepstakes. And, as ratings for the last few debates seem to indicate, very hard to look away. It was Winston Churchill who called our election process… “a circus wrapped in a game show covered in poisonous weasel glitter.” And if he didn’t, he should have. Look at how we treat these poor people. Gang debates. Smug interrogators. Partisan witch hunts. Hostile examinations. Substandard lecterns. Marathon fund- raisers with cold congealed Swedish meatballs in a watery mustard sauce. What we end up…

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RED MEAT VS CREME BRULEE . . .by Will Durst

If the disappointment of everyone expecting fireworks at the first Democratic debate exhibited itself as perspiration, we could declare the California drought over. A few soggy matches might have been lit but that was it. Heavy on the smoke: non- existent on the flame. This initial gathering of liberal presidential wannabees did highlight the differing styles of the 2 parties. Both may be big on giving away government money, but Democrats prefer ladling it out to poor people, while the Republicans want to slip it to the rich. Republicans live in Potterville and the Dems call Bedford Falls home. Even…

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GREED NOT GOOD . . . by Will Durst

Get this. And get it straight. Gordon Gekko was wrong. Greed is not good. Greed is bad. Greed eats away the core of society like a golden parasitic leech the size of Manitoba. Or Saskatchewan. One of those Provinces or Territories or Protectorates or whatever they use in Canada to keep their license plates distinct. And practicing and/ or defending greed makes you nothing but a blood- sucking tick no matter how fancy a suit you’re wearing. Or size of the diamonds around your wrist. Or how free- range the organic heirloom Chicken Florentine is on your plate. The movie…

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