Horoscopes for May 4-10, 2014
ARIES (April 21 – April 19) A Full Moon in Scorpio this month makes life more passionate and intense, especially where your love life is concerned. Now if you can just find a willing mate. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) Mercury and Venus will be in Taurus for most of the month, emphasizing friendships and loving communication. Try to keep the friends and loving separate. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) This month, the planets transiting in some other planet will help you work hard to achieve your goals. Fortunately, your goals mostly involve barbecue and beer. CANCER (June 21…
Horoscopes for April 27-May 3, 2014
CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) Don’t dwell on obstacles this month. Organize a picnic or a hostile takeover. Better yet, do both. Occupy a park and dominate the neighbors, ants and squirrels. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) You will find yourself needing to allow some space for natural growth and evolution. You may have to add a couple of notches to your belt or switch to sweats. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) Be sure not to stick ideas you come up with this month in the bottom drawer of your desk and forget them, or they’ll be…
Astrology For The Weak
CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) Your bond with friends and family members will be stretched, but you will inspire people to start being more flexible. Even your pet will give Toga Yoga a try. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) This month, you will find yourself laughing, then weeping, then jumping for joy, then feeling a little melancholy. Get yourself some hormone shots for Pete’s sake. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) Some super intense emotions about work, your love life or dearest friend will surface this month. Whoa! What if your work is loving your dearest friend? ARIES…
Horoscopes for April 13-19, 2014
CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) Get out there and workout in April. Otherwise, your joints, brain, lungs and heart will start complaining. Remember to shower or everyone around will complain. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) Contort yourself into whatever pretzels you comfortably can manage, and you’ll emerge suppler and more successful. You’ll also go great with brown mustard. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) Your innate sensitivity to what’s happening around you plays a huge role in how you navigate tricky situations. Running, ducking, hiding, lying – all innate. ARIES (April 18 – May 13) You’ll be in…
Horoscopes for March 30-April 5, 2014
CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) Early this month, your brain is extremely active and it’s making you very productive and ambitious. Don’t panic, you’ll be back to addled in no time at all. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) You will find yourself feeling like a surfer navigating waves of emotion. Then it happens – wipe-out! Your emotional house goes under water. File for bankruptcy. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) You may sense a person in a position of authority is subtly flirting with you. Then again, you have been adding a lot of leafy greens to your diet. Toothpick? ARIES (April…
Astrology For The Weak
CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) You will have an epiphany and look for good deeds to perform this month. After all, a look at your past reveals that your karma needs a boost – and how! AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) For some reason, you will feel lazy and lethargic on weekdays this month, but find yourself rejuvenated over the weekends. Your employer has the same concerns. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) This month, you will decide to travel, only to find you are on the no-fly, no-train, no-bus, no-rental car, no-hitchhiking terrorist list. Bust out the…
Horoscopes for March 16-22, 2014
CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) A bunch of planets move through Pluto, influencing you to expand your view of the world and your place in it. Unfortunately, you will also expand your waistline. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) The celestial atmosphere encourages you to actively pursue someone altogether eligible. That’s good, because you usually pursue those altogether ineligible. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) You usually think you’re right, but you can be wrong, of course. Much like this astrological forecast. The month of March will the best of your entire life. Or not. ARIES (April 18 –…
Horoscopes for March 9-15, 2014
ARIES (March 21 – April 19) Mars quincunx Pluto and Saturn squares Pluto, bringing some tension to the areas of your chart of finances. Since Pluto is officially no longer a planet, no biggee. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) In March, it may seem the world is moving too quickly for you and you may secretly have to make concessions. You just might bring honor back to fast food. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) By nature, relationships cause new feelings and sometimes present challenges in understanding. This month you’ll try to understand why you have no relationship. CANCER (June…
Horoscopes for March 2-8, 2014
ARIES (March 21 – April 19) This month you will embark on a journey to discover your inner self. A wrong turn down the trail and you’ll find yourself in the middle of a spiritual safari gone awry. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You’ll have flashbacks of someone in authority saying that you will rue the day. You didn’t know what they meant, but in March, you will rue at least one day. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will discover a hitherto unknown talent for finding odoriferous elements in everyday life. You’ll eventually quit your job at the…
Horoscopes for February 23-March 1, 2014
CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) February is emotional and weird which, means your family is involved. Bring your friends into the mix and you can add strange and border line illegal. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) You start the month off on the right foot, with a deep sense of what you want. But you’re not thinking – you’re left footed. No Dancing With The Stars for you. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) You’ll be dreaming big and setting the tone for the weeks to come. You’ll be radiant. You’ll be impressive. You’ll brighten the lives of…
Horoscopes for February 9-15, 2014
ARIES (March 21 – April 19) A cut lip will reveal a secret you have been able to keep for years. Someone will recognize the position of the cut on the lip smear on your Valentine’s Day card. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) The good news is you’ll finally get a job. The bad news is you’ll have to wear a dorky uniform and clap and sing goofy happy birthday songs at least twice a day. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will have a very difficult time resisting temptation in February. You’ll run and you’ll hide, but somehow…
Horoscopes for February 2-8, 2014
ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You’ll try, but fail, to impress snow bunnies this ski season in Flagstaff. Too late, you’ll find everyone signed your cast, “This Stupid Thing Is Fake!” TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) This month you will discover Castor Oil is like WD40 for the gastro-intestinal tract. You’ll mix it with orange juice and end up non-squeaky clean. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) The month of March finds you facing a conundrum?deciding whether or not to file a police report on the theft of your exotic plants for insurance purposes. CANCER (June 21 – July…
Astrology For The Weak
CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) You start the new year in need of some down time to think things through. However, your boss thinks that 6 weeks off might be stretching it just a bit. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) You will charm someone out of a bad mood with a razzle-dazzle tap dance, only to slip and fall, hurting your back and sue them for pain and suffering and stuff. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) This month, you may find yourself in deep reflection on the how and when and where and why of earthly existence….
Horoscopes for January 19-25, 2014
CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) You’ve built up a lot of good karma over the past year, but you can’t stand around waiting for the big payback to come. What about all the years you screwed up? AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) You’ll encounter two challenging aspects causing you to counter the urge to make a mad dash into the sunlight. Good thing, because there was a big tree in the way. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) Competition can be extremely motivating for you this month. After conquering your visiting nieces and nephews on wii bowling, you’re…
Horoscopes for January 12-18, 2014
ARIES (March 21 – April 19) Mercury comes out of retrograde, you may become uninhibited, a bit extraverted and even a slight introspective, an antithesis to the regular abnormality of life. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) Think carefully before taking a walk on the wild side. You might encounter lions and tigers and bears, oh my. Or maybe coyotes and bobcats and rattlers, oh my. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) This January 1st, you have decided on the very best New Year’s Resolution ever! Remember, don’t tell anyone what it is or you may jinx it from happening. CANCER…
Horoscopes for December 29, 2013 – January 4, 2014
ARIES (March 21 – April 19) It could be you were born with the words ‘if merely human, do not approach’ etched on your aura. You also probably celebrated Chrsitmukkah. Oye Ho Ho. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You want to visit some exotic land for the holidays but can’t afford it. You’ll rent a foreign flick with subtitles, drink hot Chai latte and eat Bon Bons. Close enough. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You’ ll decide to take up with a new peer-group – the kind that’s into a spiritual, religious or metaphysical cause. It’s a good thing…
Horoscopes for December 15-21, 2013
ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You want to visit some exotic land for the holidays but can’t afford it. You’ll rent a foreign flick with subtitles, drink hot Chai latte and eat Bon Bons. Close enough. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You’ ll decide to take up with a new peer-group – the kind that’s into a spiritual, religious or metaphysical cause. It’s a good thing you’re used to sleeping alone. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You can talk your way out of almost any situation that arises this month. The only quandary that perplexes Gemini is re-gifting some of your…
Horoscopes for December 8-14, 2013
ARIES (March 21 – April 19) This month, you might be offered a significant amount of money from an older person. Get everything in writing, but first close your eyes and imagine prunes. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) This holiday season finds you caroling, decorating and eating figgy pudding. For your health and relationships, you stop short of the traditional fruitcake. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) Tenderness and smooth talking may be helpful in avoiding a fight during your big holiday meal. If this fails, grab the mashed potatoes. They spray when tossed. CANCER (June 21 – July 22)…
Astrology For the Weak
CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) This holiday season, give your temper some time to cool off before you say something that could cause friction. Then, complain about them after they leave. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) Let go of some old baggage that you have finally realized has been holding you back for quite some time. Business partners aren’t all their cracked up to be. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) Your business life is thriving, friendships are blooming, emotional attachments are growing more dear to you. Then, you suddenly come out of the coma. ARIES (April 18…
Horoscopes for December 1-7, 2013
ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You’ll have a bizarre dream about a cow telling you to become a Hindu. Then you hear Sam Elliot tell you “Beef, it’s what’s for dinner” and become a Mormon. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You’ll learn to take a moment before speaking this month. Each time you do, someone else says something that changes your thoughts. Good time to become a mime. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will be so proud of yourself this holiday season when you go on eBay and are the highest bidder, finally scoring that Cabbage Patch…
