August 10, 2022

Horoscopes for October 27-November 2, 2013


ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

This is not a good time to change your diet. The economy just can’t take the shock of the closing of yet another all-you-can-eat buffet restaurant.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

November is the month for watching football, family gatherings, big meals, raking leaves and dragging winter clothes out of mothballs. Spring will be here soon.

GEMINI (May 21 -June 20)

Just when you think your luck has changed, you get a letter explaining the all expenses paid luxury vacation for two weeks to New Orleans expires in two weeks.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22)

Still plagued by that new planet discovery, you work feverishly to develop a whole new solar calendar not counting Earth, since that’s where we are.

LEO (July 23 – August 22)

This month, you’ll do something so horrendous that you’ll just want to run and hide in shame. At first you’ll blame the dog, but later admit it was you who actually…

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

You’ll be disappointed when your greeting card business doesn’t pick up after installing an 800 number. Later, friends will point out it spells 1-800-BUZ-ZOFF.

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

You’ll find you suffer from a sleep disorder. Having to get up to pee three or four times a night is ill-affecting your health. Not getting up is not the answer.

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

You love the new television shows, but wonder if everyone is an alien, or came from a sea pod, or can read your mind, or talks to your dead relatives about you.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

This month you’ll discover the power of show tunes. Your relatives and close friends can’t stand to be near you. Use this to your advantage to be left alone.

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

Thanksgiving always conjures up memories of the whole family gathering at grandma and grandpa’s house. A couple of antidepressants and they’ll go away.

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

You find yourself apologizing for everything this month – even things you have nothing to do with. Now, when people describe you, they just say, “He’s sorry.”

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

Venus is in the fourth house, Mercury is going backward, Pluto is being downgraded and you have a bad moon a rising. Good time to pack it in and head out.

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