October 27, 2020

ASTROLOGY FOR THE WEAK

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CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16)
You will enjoy observing the games that other people will be playing. It will be full of low blows and even shocking revelations. Says something about you, huh?

AQUARIUS (February 16 – March  11)
This month, you will experience moments of intensity, arguments,  cataclysms, followed by rapturous passion and…and…that’s how far I’ve gotten in the book.

PISCES (March 20 – April 18)
You may get something back from the universe when you extend your energy this month. But be careful, it may be in the form of some communicable disease.

ARIES (April 18 – May 13)
You will need to eliminate unnecessary distractions and cultivate an understanding of the situation at hand, especially during volleyball at a nudist camp.

TAURUS (May 13 – June21)
You’re worthless when it comes to making decisions this month. The slightest thing brings about a major personal crisis. Cancel that knife-throwing class.

GEMINI (June 21 – July 20)
The stars suggest you prophylactically check in with anyone you share space with. Sorry, not quite sure what your associates and latex protection have in common.

CANCER (July 20 – August 10)
You will prove to yourself and to others that you don’t quit when the going gets tough — you just get going. Unfortunately, you just keep going and going.

LEO (August 10 – September 16)
You will feel super strong this month. You will move boulders and discover views to a whole, new world. There, you will see creepy, crawly, slimy, icky things.

VIRGO (September 16 – October 30)
You start the month thinking about your place in the grand scheme of things —  do you belong here? What does it all mean? The month ends with what’s for lunch?

LIBRA (October 30 – November 23)
You’ll think about heading down to the massage college and get a cut-rate rub from a student. Just remember what happened when they cleaned your teeth.

SCORPIO (November 23 – November 29)
You will hold dear the old adage that sometimes doing nothing is the best action to take. In your case, though, that saying has been more like a lifetime mantra.

OPHIUCHUS (November 29 – December 17)
Odd coincidences and funny twists of fate greet you at every new corner this month. You can bob and weave, but it may be best to learn the secret handshake.

SAGITTARIUS (December 17 – January 20
Interactions with others will be hugely rewarding. People will lavish you with gifts. You’ll be delirious with gratitude until you actually open the presents.

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