July 18, 2019

Astrology For The Weak

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CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16)
You start the new year in need of some down time to think things through. However, your boss thinks that 6 weeks off might be stretching it just a bit.

AQUARIUS (February 16 – March  11)
You will charm someone out of a bad mood with a razzle-dazzle tap dance, only to slip and fall, hurting your back and sue them for pain and suffering and stuff.

PISCES (March 20 – April 18)
This month, you may find yourself in deep reflection on the how and when and where and why of earthly existence. After a few minutes, that will all go away.

ARIES (April 18 – May 13)
Everybody around you gets a little touchy and prone to taking things the wrong way this month. In say, the heck with them. Be your normal, obnoxious self.

TAURUS (May 13 – June21)
You may find that cleaning could bring good fortune. You even might discover something valuable under the couch. Poke it with a stick first to see if it moves.

GEMINI (June 21 – July 20)
Even though it’s brutally cold, think of excuses to spend time outside. But, don’t claim to be going out to pick up the doggie poop if you don’t have a doggie.

CANCER (July 20 – August 10)
You’ll be feeling emotionally down. So, get up on that karaoke stage! Let loose! Go wild! Sing your heart out! Dance, too! People will be laughing for weeks.

LEO (August 10 – September 16)
Keep the profligate adventures to a minimum. Forego that red Lamborghini, the diamond Rolex and the African Safari. Get the Kia, Timex and trip to Disney.

VIRGO (September 16 – October 30)
Focus on achieving only realistic, attainable goals. Anything beyond getting up, dressing, brushing your teeth and you’re setting yourself up for certain failure.

LIBRA (October 30 – November 23)
You will craft an unforgettably sweet and fun experience for you and your mate this month. But wrapping yourself in cotton candy may take time to lick off.

SCORPIO (November 23 – November 29)
Your dreams and your reality are aligning with flashes of brilliance, bright colors and lots and lots of lights. This could be caused by that doobie trip to Colorado.

OPHIUCHUS (November 29 – December 17)
The stars say that you’ve got to get out of your own head. I have no idea what that means. Who else’s head would you be in?  And, how do you get out of it?

SAGITTARIUS (December 17 – January 20
When the Earth, the Sun and Mercury are lined up, powerful ideas seek entrance into the minds of eager and curious human souls. Luckily, you won’t be affected.

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