Inside The News . . .by David Fidelman
WHAT FLOATS YOUR BOAT NEWS: A converted crabbing boat that recently became a floating strip club off the shore of an Alaska island, has been beset by legal tangles over safety rules and liquor laws and allegations it’s been dumping human waste into a harbor. So, other than the expired personal location beacon, expired inflatable devices on two life rafts and inoperable navigation sidelights and improperly pumping poop, everything was up to snuff. One would think the biggest issue with the floating house of nudity would be the crabs. SHORT BUS NEWS: A Montana bus driver called 911 to report…
Curmudgeon Corner
cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. This month’s subject: TRAVELING “There are two kinds of travel in the United States, first class and third world.” Bobby Slayton “A hundred years ago, it could take you the better part of a year to get from new York to California; whereas today , because of equipment problems, at O’Hare, you can’t get there at all.”…
Old World Heritage – Bordeaux . . . by Joel Mann
When one talks about winemaking in locations such as the United States, Australia and New Zealand, South American, or South Africa, those locations are called the new world. They’re the regions which developed winemaking traditions as European settlers ventured around the globe with grape vine cuttings in hand to stake their own piece of land that reminded them of back home. A poor immigrant had little hope of becoming landed vineyard owners in their native France, Italy, Germany, etc. But wide open frontiers in other places didn’t come with titles, family crests, and other barriers to that dream. A common…
No News from Doodlebug Island . . . by William F. Jordan
The avidity with which my employee Mark Shockly tackled the grammar texts I assigned him and the mastery he achieved led me to assign him coverage of local news while I handled syndicated material and editorials. But I came to regret my decision when several people stopped me on the street to inquire the meaning of words Mark had used. One person went so far as to swear: “I’ve never seen such vocabulary in my entire life, and I doubt some of those words even exist!” Now, as editor of the Doodlebug Island Run-on, I’m used to catching the brunt…
Typical Excentric Reader . . .
This month’s Typical Excentric Reader is Randy Seal. His accompanying note stated, “And the Story goes; t’was the very last day of the year 2014 when Randy Seal reads the Sedona Excentric ‘Astrology For The Weak’ to the snow ducks perched in this Cottonwood yard. Lucky Ducks.” Little did Randy know he’d be the last Typical Excentric Reader to grace the pages of this paper. Unless, of course, Randy knows someone who wants to see the publication continue. Thanks, Randy, and all the other Typical Readers. Related posts: Typical Excentric Reader Typical Excentric Reader Typical Excentric Reader Typical Excentric Reader
ASTROLOGY FOR THE WEAK
CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) This month, quit worrying so much and start having a good time. After all, as long as you’re walking on thin ice, you might as well play hockey. Gooooooooooal! AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) The stars say it is time for Aquarius to stop telling any big lies this month. If told properly, a few well placed, small lies can actually be just as effective. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) The astral alignment has allowed for the calculation that now is definitely the perfect time to make firm, life-changing decisions. At least…
Frankly Fanny . . . by Herself
Dear Frankly: My husband-to-be tried to explain what male sex drive is, but i don’t think I understand what he means. Isn’t it the same as the female sex drive? If not, how are they different? Please answer as quickly as possible. Our wedding is coming up next month and I want to be prepared. Curious Constance Dear Curious: As with the gradual and sequential development of the physical sex drive, as the psychological and social aspects of the sex drive are established in both men and women over different periods of time. Or, to put it in laywoman terms,…
Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland, Minister of Reality
SEVENTY-SIX My birthday was two weeks ago– Three score and sixteen years!– Which pushed me past the milestone that Articulates slipped gears And qualifies me clearly as A doddering old fool, Who’s lost all of his senses and Subsists on prunes and gruel, Whose cohort is identified As puzzled and confused, Who can’t remember falling down Or how they got so bruised, But still remember Dinah Shore, And Packards that had fins, And kisses at the drive in show, And wars that all had wins! It’s True! I’ve never been this old! But, quote me when I say, “I’ll never,…
Kozmik Korner by Lush Gumball
Q: I recently read about a Catholic priest that was legally dead for a quarter of an hour before medic shocked his heart and brought him back. The priest claimed when he awoke that he had died, gone to heaven and met God. The 71-year-old want to continue preaching and tell the story of how God was a bright, loving light, buy clearly feminine. The Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Boston hasn’t confirmed that he can return to his flock. Should he be allowed to return to the alter with his story? A: In the history of mankind told everywhere, women…
Up Is Down . . . by Will Durst, Excentric Contributor
Best be advised to sit down, pour yourself a beer and take a deep breath. Because you’re about to hear something that will change your life. Forever. Are you relaxed? Good, because everything you know is wrong. Ain’t that always the way. Just when we think we have it all figured out, somebody comes along with information suggesting we’re so off the mark, we might have taken the neighbor’s car to work, slept with our cousin and brushed our teeth with kitchen cleanser. You know who’s holding back the middle class? It’s those darn Democrats. Yes! And all this time…
Big Picture Page . . .
Our Special Excentric Public Indecency Staff members take a look at Global Climate Change. During a summit on extreme weather happenings around the world, four disgruntled committee members decided to display their members, welcoming Spring with an al fresco beach party. With no clothing restrictions posted at the secret camp where scientists, climatologists, politicians and religious fanatics gathered to discuss the ramifications of doing nothing to alter the course of earthly destruction, four amigos, representing the deniers participating, attempted to exhibit evidence to the other ninety-six in attendance no harm would come to their usually covered private parts. While their…
Heading For The Last Round-up . . . By Bishop
“This ain’t the same old range. Everything seems to change. Where are the pals I used to ride with? Gone to a land so strange. – Sons of the Pioneers Remembering the Hopi prophesy, when we dig precious things from the earth, we will invite disaster. Indeed, near the day of purification, cobwebs will spin back and forth while a container of ashes will one day be thrown from the sky that could burn the land and boil the oceans. To the Ancient ones, that situation was dubbed Koyaanisqatsi, meaning life out of balance, “life in turmoil, life disintegrating.” No…
NEWS QUIZ? . . . by Joseph G. Evrard, Staff Kentuckian
Do you watch the news on TV? Good.I have a fun quiz for you. Let’s tune in now… ‘Good evening and thanks for joining us here at Channel One Eyewitness News. I’m Rodney Bighair. In tonight’s top story, President Obama calls upon embattled Mideast leaders to: Blow each other off the map. Kiss and make up. Go jump off a cliff. De-escalate the violence and begin peace negotiations. “In Congressional news, a report released by the House Majority leader reveals that: Most members of Congress think they should unlimited terms. Recently passed campaign finance reform legislation will make a big…
That Really Bunches My Panties . . . by Brendon Marks
Waldo had a toboggan. I always remember Waldo’s toboggan when the weather turns cold and snow is reported in far-away places. I have many memories of upper New York State winters that serve mainly as reminders of why I left. Many people look forward to skiing, sledding, and generally flopping around in the snow, but I’m not one of them. If I never see another snowflake, I would have no regrets. That doesn’t mean that I never had fun in the snow. When I was considerably shorter than I am now, my parents decided that I would live with them…
Automotive Breakdown . . . by Denny Mandeville
Cliff hanger ended! I actually have a couple of customers ask to be kept advised when my wife made her mind up and bought the car. The BEST car, I might add. According to her, it is a Lincoln MK Z. She had been making phone calls to me all Friday afternoon (February 13th) making me a bit suspicious as to what, exactly, was going on, but she was a bit evasive. By 6 o’clock the questions were more direct, and getting more expensive- but it was her money. Yeah, yeah, I know- what’s hers is hers, and what’s mine…
Raising The Retirement Age . . .
Suffering from the hardship of not receiving royalties from his record publishers, this man, we’ll call him Arthur, has been a street performer for more than 6 decades. He qualified for assistance, but a government employee saw him perform and turned him in for not declaring the change people threw into his basket. Now, some heartless politicians want to take away his health insurance. And, the city has revoked his temporary permits because too many businesses complained he was taking their potential income from tourists and some locals don’t like his style of music. Related posts: Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland, Minister…
An Excentric Look Into The Future
In April, our crack staff takes a close look into the immigration issue from the perspective of Americans residing primarily in the south. It seems there are a lot of uneducated Americans upset that competent, skilled laborers are being hired by companies in their state at lower wages and with benefits. So, rather than picket the employers, they grab a couple of 24 packs and protest at the border. Related posts: An Excentric Look into The Future . . . Crackdown on Immigration A Look into the Future: Highway Safety An Excentric Look Into The Future
VORTEX SUMMONS PUBLISHER
Pictured is a long-time contributor to this publication, Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland, Minister of Reality. In this picture, Doug is the “Happy Gardener.” Doug wrote, “I am the happy gardener, I sweat and grunt and bleed; My eyes are crossed, My mind is lost, In joyful Zen I weed.” Doug, along with James Bishop, Jr., William F. Jordan, Brendon Marks, Joseph Evrard, Joel Mann, Denny Mandeville and numerous others are the reason the Sedona Excentric lined the streets of the Verde Valley for more than 25 years. E-books of Frankly Fanny, Astrology for the Weak and Kozmik Korner to be released…
