March 29, 2024

Horoscopes for November 30-December 6, 2014

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) Two new moons have been found around Pluto, the planet astrologers want demoted to a star. Pisces will support Pluto by mooning everyone Dec 23rd. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You’ll learn of Festivus, dash out to find an undecorated aluminum pole and spaghetti, practice wrestling and airing your grievances. You’ve never been so happy. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) December is traditionally a month for celebrating friends and family members home. Your family, resembling the Grizwalds, will hit the casinos for days. CANCER (June 21 – July 22) You’ll start wearing a…

Horoscopes for November 16-22, 2014

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) Once again, things will take a turn for the worse in November. And, once again, you will blame everything on a co-worker, a neighbor, a relative or a pet. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) Your Halloween costume was such a big hit at the office party, you will think it fun to wear it once a month. Others will think cross-dressing is more disturbing. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will find that the older you get, the more you want to take a nap in the late afternoon. For most government workers,…

Horoscopes for November 9-15, 2014

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You’ll learn of Festivus, dash out to find an undecorated aluminum pole and spaghetti, practice wrestling and airing your grievances. You’ve never been so happy. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) December is traditionally a month for celebrating friends and family members home. Your family, resembling the Grizwalds, will hit the casinos for days. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You’ll start wearing a large silver cross around your neck after Christmas. Everyone will think you found religion. Little will they know, you just found the cross. CANCER (June 21 – July 22) Chanukah, Christmas,…

INSIDE THE NEWS by David Fidelman

HAZARDOUS TO YOUR HEALTH NEWS: A bank robber who stopped during his escape to bum a cigarette off a construction worker has been sentenced to 10 years in prison by a federal judge in Pittsburgh. The man’s attorney argued his client has had a life-long problem with alcohol and should get a shorter term. The man’s addictions seem to have caught up with him. smoking really can be hazardous to your health – and freedom. ILL GOTTEN BOOTY NEWS: A man from Swansea, Wales, was accused of stealing more than 40,000 pounds ($64,000) from the bank account of an elderly…

Curmudgeon Corner . . .

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. This month’s subject: TRAVEL “Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts.” Mark Twain “The World is a book, and those who do not travel read only a page.” Saint Augustine “To get away from one’s working environment is, in a sense, to get away from…

It’s In The Glass . . . by Joel Mann, Staff Wine (And Beer) Tasting Guy

Beverage producers spend a great deal of thought and effort into making the best tasting drink possible. Brewers source just the right hops. Winemakers fuss over the proper ripeness in the vineyard. Distillers concern themselves with the proper moment to cut the heads and tails coming off the still. There’s aging, blending, packaging decisions, and even fussing about the proper temperature to store and serve everything. One of the least emphasized aspects of the final flavor, but one that has a noticeable impact, is the glass itself. The size, shape, and general condition of the glassware used to serve your…

Some Signs Of Our Times . . .

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They’re Here . . .

The Sedona Excentric Task Force takes a look at new forms extraterrestrial visitors may be embodying. As little to no evidence has emerged among all the hoopla that alines are residing on planet Earth, proponents of claims that stellar travelers have settled here have shifted from little green or gray human-like forms to that of domestic animals. Proof is offered in this photograph captured by a believer that his newly adopted canine is, in fact, a vessel for a Pleiadian Star System Inter-stellar Commander. His “dog” Atlantis, is shown here conducting a mind meld with his daughter, Lemuria, who seems…

No News from Doodlebug Island . . . by William F. Jordan

As if enduring the remodeling that has swept Doodlebug Island were not enough—dust, debris, and inconvenience—we husbands are now being asked to tour the newly created masterpieces our wives have created, where, by implied but nevertheless implicit expectation, we are being given the opportunity to pronounce the changes way past due, very much worth the cost, and encompassing perfection itself. Now, this is not on any great order of difficulty for us old timers, for we have had the practice of several prior remodelings to guide us. Newly minted husbands might stumble, understandably. In my own home, everything is white…

Typical Excentric Reader

This month’s typical Excentric Reader is Pam Hopkins, shown here on vacation in Maxatlan holding her favorite paper. With her Sedona Excentric in hand, Pam poses at a courtyard at an outdoor mall. In the background is a man holding a sign that reads, “Official Taxi For Hire.” Pam couldn’t have picked a better spot than in front of Mazatlan’s only official taxi, in case she and her companion had the need to make an official getaway. Mazatlan is a stop for many cruises, which perhaps brought Pam there. Thanks, Pam. Related posts: Typical Excentric Reader George Buchanan Typical Excentric…

Astrology For The Weak . . .

CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) You could waste the whole month thinking about work, but what would that get you? Take time to daydream, stare out the window, think about your new job. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) You voted. But, the one you cast you ballot for lost. What to do? Take matters into your own hands and secede from your neighborhood or go on an eating strike. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) Still reeling from that Halloween party? You started out as Robin Hood and woke up in a Shirley Temple dress. You’ll need the…

Frankly Fanny, by Herself

Dear Frankly: I wrote to another advice columnist and didn’t appreciate her answer, so I though I would give you a try. I complained that my husband of a few years was a slob and didn’t pick up after himself, not even clearing the dishes. I, on the other hand, am neat and orderly. A place for everything and everything in its place, I say. Anyway, this other columnist said I was at fault for being a clean freak and shared the blame with my slob husband. What do you think? Distressed Denise Dear Distressed: Being someone who likes things…

Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland, Minister of Reality

THE BEST My grandpa told me, long ago, He’d had a talk with God! I quickly raised my eyebrows and Declared ol’ Gramps a fraud! “I see you don’t believe me, boy, You think I’ve lost my mind! But God has time for folks like me Who’ve fallen far behind. “In fact, He has a special spot For those who’ve lost their game; He takes a special interest in The folks who take the blame! “In failure I was writhing–in Self-loathing and disgust! Through gagging tears I asked my Lord If I’d betrayed his trust.” “I’ve watched you do your…

KOZMIK KORNER BY LUSH GUMBALL

Q: I read a story about a guy who stayed in a low-cost motel while traveling on business. It was provided by the person who hired him, not one he would have selected. Immediately after checking in, he experienced lights flickering on and off, the television changes channels without a remote and yelling from an adjacent vacant room. His phone didn’t work, so he couldn’t call anyone. He couldn’t even check out because nobody was at the office. Was he just a victim of cruddy lodging or could this place have been haunted? A: Could be both. Sounds like he…

When You Gotta Go . . .

It’s all in how you look at things. From the vantage point of this photographer, one would be left to think you need climb over the brick wall to gain access to the private facilities. Some visitors to Sedona have complained about using the porta-potties at the arts and crafts shows at the corner of Saddlerock Circle and SR89A. Clearly, they are far better off than being stranded along the Great Wall of China. In fact, after observing this sign of relief offered by the Chinese government, some are reconsidering the naming of the wall. Perhaps it’s not so great…

One Man One Vote. . . by Will Durst, Excentric Contributor

Whiners. Bounders. Ingrates. Talking about the incessant griping and sniping currently buzzing over long overdue Republican reforms requiring citizens to produce a government issued ID before casting a vote. From the outcry you’d think the GOP was organizing competitive kitten clubbings. Again. Oh for crum’s sakes, settle down people. It’s just an ID. You need one to fly or buy or ply or even take out a library book. What is wrong with insuring the integrity of the electoral process? This isn’t voter suppression, it’s voter protection. Which is why in the great state of Texas, it’s easier to buy…

Stress Secrets Revealed . . . By Bishop, Special Excentric Winter Tryout

Stress is an ignorant state. It believes that everything is an emergency. ——N. Goldberg Emergencies are everywhere! No one really knows how many emergencies have been declared since World War II, so it is little wonder that citizens feel wrapped in blankets of stress. Concoctions of all sorts have been bottled and canned to alleviate various nerve-wracking stress conditions, but so far, none seemed to have worked. Whatever the potion, neighbors still fear other neighbors, and run hot over any hint of hearing jazz music in the air after dark. In the hunt for treatments, one fell into my lap,…

Weasel Words . . . by Joseph G. Evrard, Staff Kentuckian

Television news now follows a strict format that cannot be violated. There a certain number of standard phrases, which MUST be included in every newscast. The subject matter may change slightly from day to day, but the basic format remains the same. See if you don’t agree… Experts say… When was the last time you heard the news anchor report a story and wrap it up with “Experts say this trend is likely to continue.” Or, Experts say the sky will remain blue unless it changes.” Or, Experts say “most people prefer breathing to not breathing.” I’ll bet the last…

Automotive Breakdown . . . by Denny Mandeville

Q. Can the wrong viscosity oil cause the Check Engine light to come on? A. Yes it can. Always follow the manufacturer’s viscosity recommendations in your owner’s manual or the markings located on the oil fill cap. Modern engines are designed to use lower viscosity oil, usually in the 5W-20, 5W-30, even 0W-20 ratings. Many, if not most, modern engines use variable valve timing (VVT), a system of changing the position of a camshaft for better emissions and more power. The camshaft position is changed by oil pressure in a special piston called a cam phaser. The wrong oil and…

Not So Happy Halloween. . .

While most pumpkins were busy adorning porches and decks to entertain neighborhood trick or treaters, these jack-o-lanterns were displaying some seriously bad behavior during All Hallows Eve. One of the American native winter squash had at least one too many beers with the result being and eruption of involuntarily spewed seeds and filling. A well behaved pumpkin would not only have provided entertainment to Halloween revelers, but also yielded its filling for pumpkin pies and seeds for salad toppings. Next year, the owners of this house are going plastic. Related posts: Cheap Halloween Happy Saint Valentine’s Day . . ….